TL;DR: As dinner progressed, I heard my ancestors laughing at me for being served nonsense under the guise of Persian foods, and literally saw my grandparents in my mind's eye as they shook their heads at the culinary hate crime placed before me.
Where to start with Joon? I heard only bad things about the food from Iranians, which made me curious. Not curious enough for the inflated prices, but curious. Then I got invited to go and figured if I'm not paying, what could go wrong?
First: The location basically forces you to valet park, which I hate. Okay. Cool. Had no cash other than a 20 so gave that to the very nice guy at valet when I picked up my car. Guess the oldest car he parked that day gave a good tip. But hey - I didn't pay for dinner, so $20 for the Kafkaesque culinary nightmare wasn't too bad.
Second: The servers were good. I regret not remembering the name of the young man who took care of our table, but he really did his best with the demands of older woman I was with, and I think we both connected, amused over this. I hope she tipped him well.
Third: THE FOOD. Holy hell. Okay. Let's break this down.
Kashk-e Bademjan: I do not like bademjan, so I was expecting not to like this. To my surprise, I didn't hate it. Not because it was good, but because it DIDN'T IN ANY WAY TASTE LIKE BADEMJAN. And the random pile of fried onions on top was a bonus. I like onions. But this was not a promising start.
Persian Cucumber Salad: This was fine. No idea why it's called Persian. Maybe just because of the cucumber type? Anyway, I have never eaten anything like that prepared by any family, friend, or restaurant here or in Iran.
Gormeh Sabzi: This is like, THE national dish, the most beloved food in Iran. This is the dish I'd smell when I came home from school and I knew my grandma was gifting me the best dinner ever. I figured since no one else mentioned Gormeh Sabzi in their reviews, maybe it was a sleeper cell of excellence.
I WAS WRONG.
If you blindfolded me and fed me this food, it would take me 12 years to guess it was Gormeh Sabzi. The moment I saw it, I knew from the visual it was all wrong. Another pile of onions on top, for no reason. And the dish had ZERO flavor from shambalileh. That's THE FLAVOR for Gormeh Sabzi. Like that's it. That's the main flavor. Without shambalileh you don't have Gormeh Sabzi.
On top of this, there was NO trace of dried Persian lime AT ALL. That's the other flavor. You toss them in the stew, they're lovely. But not only was there zero trace of the lime physically present, there was also no trace of the flavor.
I first made Gormeh Sabzi when I was 10 years old. After skipping making it for 20+ years, I made it last year and every person who ate it, including random Iranians who smelled it at my office and I gave them takeaway just because, told me it was the best they'd had. One man left the country and SIX MONTHS LATER came back to tell me it was the best Gormeh Sabzi he'd eaten, then boasted he had 60 years of eating his favorite food and he wanted mine again, desperately. So I know my way around Gormeh Sabzi.
And that begs the question... WHAT DID I EAT AT JOON?
It was a dull, muddled flavor. On my second bite I flashed back to the 6th grade, when a friend of mine stayed for dinner on one of the days my mama bozorg made Gormeh Sabzi. And I was so excited, and she looked at the pot and asked "is that swamp water?" Once she ate, she loved it. But as I ate this sad, culinary hate crime, I felt like my friend all those years ago. But I was eating what she EXPECTED to eat. Not what she actually ate. I could see my mama bozorg in my head, her ghost looking at the table in disgust, her sharp words being expressed in a witty and cruel way in Farsi.
Rice: Not good. Tahdig is pretty but gummy instead of crispy. Rice is under-salted and under-buttered /oiled. My companion for the evening ordered Bahgahli polo and had me try it. This was similar, but at least it had baghahi.
Chicken Kabob: She made my try some of this, too. It was.... AWFUL. This should be a bright dish, with saffron, onion, and lime or lemon front and center. It tasted of the same gross, muddled herbs found in the Gormeh Sabzi. I could hear my baba bozorg laughing at me from his grave in Tehran, and I had a vision of us making kabob together when I was little. I've made it many times since, and I can guarantee my 11 year old self, as well as current day self, can crush this dish.
Saffron and Rose Water Ice Cream: At this point I just wanted to end the evening, but my companion insisted on bastani. I do love bastani. And saffron ice cream is my favorite. This was... fine. It was missing the iconic chunks of frozen cream inside. Otherwise it was creamy and the flavor okay. I did not eat the rose water cookie that came with it. I just didn't have it in me, and couldn't imagine any part of it being worth the calories. Why was I torturing myself?
Anyway. Don't eat here if you like/ want Persian food. read more