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Grand Oriental Chinese Restaurant-- BaldWhiteGuyReviews
Time flies, kids forget passports, and dads get a rare day off -- which I immediately spent doing what any responsible parent would do: drag my son to a new restaurant and then reward him with lunch. He forgot his passport (top secret co-op stuff, apparently), so we met halfway-ish and let Yelp play help find a new place to try.
That's how we found Grand Oriental -- a big, festive palace of American-Chinese comfort food and decorative bravado
Grand Oriental
4800 Fields Ertel Rd, Cincinnati.
Parking & Entrance
Parking: angled, on a slight hill, and perfect for anyone who enjoys a little cardio while exiting their car. If you have equilibrium issues, bring a friend or a very dramatic cane.
Walk the red carpet like you're famous (or at least like you once were #Santa in the Christmas Program) and step into a dining room that screams "special occasion" louder than your drunk uncle at a wedding. #WeSeeYou
Decorations
Huge space, lots of lanterns, and more faux-oriental flair than a Netflix period drama on a budget.
The place looks like someone told Pinterest to go wild and then hired a very enthusiastic intern to execute it. If prom and homecoming had a love child, this would be the reception venue. Very Instagrammable -- bring a filter and a dramatic pose. They even have a golden throne #Seriously.
The Wet Live Well
They've got a big wet live well -- yes, an actual aquarium of potential dinner guests.
Do I think they fish out a crab and whisper "you're up" before tossing him into a wok? Some call it fresh; others call it barbaric reality TV for crustaceans. Either way, the seafood looks like it just finished updating its LinkedIn. #FearFactor
Bathroom Report
Bathroom: shockingly clean and tastefully decorated. If the restroom is this tidy, you know the kitchen isn't hiding any skeletons -- just maybe a very well-behaved crab.
What We Ate
* Appetizer: Crab Rangoon -- $6.99
Warm, creamy, and dangerously addictive.
Came with two mystery sauces: one was sweet (dessert-adjacent and delightful), the other had a wasabi vibe that made my face do a small, respectful salute. I'm still not sure if the second sauce was wasabi or a tiny jar of regret, but it worked. It was a surprise, no mention of sauces on the menu. (That I could find anyway).
* Half-ling's Meal: Sweet & Sour Chicken with Fried Rice -- $11.99
Predictable in the best way. Comfort food for people who like their food to behave itself. The fried rice, however, was quietly excellent -- the unsung hero of the table.
* My Choice: Hunan Beef with Fried Rice -- $12.99
Hunan Beef is my yardstick. This one had a pleasant kick that made my nose run like it had opinions. Local Hunan still wins my heart #DragonInn, but this one is a solid contender.
Total Lunch Damage: $34.46 (waters included, because hydration is free and important)
Final Thoughts (and the part where I pretend to be impartial)
The Grand Oriental is a great spot for a special lunch or to impress guests who like their ambiance with a side of theatrical lighting.
Staff were friendly and fast -- service points for speed and smiles. Food was solid, comforting, and exactly what you expect from a good American-Chinese joint: familiar, warm, and occasionally surprising (looking at you, mystery sauce). #HotHot
Final Score: 3 out of 5 Bald Heads
Why I docked two Bald Heads:
* Minus one for predictably (Boring) American-Chinese flavors -- tasty, but not revolutionary.
* Minus one for price -- lunch felt a tad steep. Maybe you're paying extra for the live well's real estate and the decorative chandelier that's clearly on a #FingerHut payment plan. #CheapOldMan
Would I go back? Sure -- for a special night, a prom afterparty, or if my son forgets something else important.
Would I drive across town just for their Hunan? Not this time.
Have you been here? What was your favorite Dish???
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