Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I've stepped foot into this Wal-Mart again after 4 years. And even though I'm not even remotely Catholic, I feel the urge to confess and beg for forgiveness.
WHAT THE HELL DROVE YOU BACK THERE, NUMBSKULL?
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An impulsive need at 11pm on a Tuesday to buy a wall charger for my iPod Touch. I may be traveling for a long while for work, and the thought suddenly occurred to me that I needed one. Also, I never said I was perfect.
DID YOU FIND ONE?
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How about kinda sorta. I found a bunch, actually, but the hook they were on was locked. Apparently iPod chargers are the Gilette razor blades/pseudoephedrine-laden OTC meds of the 2010's - under perpetual lock and key until you find an employee to get one for you. I've never seen this security phenomenon for iPod chargers anywhere else, mind you.
SO, DID YOU FIND AN EMPLOYEE?
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Not one who was available. I took this a sign that a) I wasn't meant to buy this thing and b) I wasn't meant to be there in the first place. I gave this place 1 star in 2006. Why haven't I learned? I'm a dolt.
WELL, DID YOU SEE ANYTHING INTERESTING AT LEAST?
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How about a petulant 6'4" "woman" with long orange fingernails and a bad weave trying to buy a throw blanket in the electronics department but getting her card denied and bitching to her friend on the phone about it? If you think I'm making this up, you obviously have never been to this Wal-Mart, where anything, and anyone, can happen.
ANYTHING ELSE?
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I also spotted two hipsters who were walking around. I looked at them, and they hung their heads. Like, "dude, you totally didn't see us here. We were here just to find snarky material for a passive-aggressive blog post." But I know they were there to actually shop, because somewhere inside this vast behemoth of eeriness there must be a sale on "ironic" cheetah-print Snuggies to fit with their wispy ironic Urban Outiftters tshirts.
AND?
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As I was on my way out, I spotted two Latino men thumbing through Barbie coloring books. Very slowly. They noticed I was looking at them and suddenly put the books back on the shelf. Awkward?
I'M NOT SURE YOU'RE WORTHY OF FORGIVENESS
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I am, too, worthy, Father. I have a cold and wasn't thinking correctly with my sinuses all blocked. I even eschewed buying a really cheap red four-square ball and walked out of the building, passing by 2 checkout lines 25 customers deep.
FINE. I'LL LET YOU HAVE AMNESTY OF THE SOUL
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Thank you, Father.
WHETHER YOU GET YOUR DIGNITY BACK IS ANOTHER STORY
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That's cool, Father. I lost that a long time ago. Cheers. read more