My mom likes Starbucks because they make her decaf iced coffee. I said they have decaf iced coffee at Coffee Bean, but she didn't believe me. At least not outwardly. She's a smart woman. She must know Coffee Bean can do everything Starbucks does (only better). I think what's really going on is that she's one of those superstitious old Asian ladies who's stuck in her ways. Maybe she had a vision that Starbucks decaf iced coffee would bring her good fortune. If that's the case, then I hope she keeps going to Starbucks because good fortune rules.
Me, I used to go to Starbucks. I even had a GOLD card. Do you know what that is? It's like having an American Express Black Card. You show it to people, and they get down on their knees and beg you to friend request them on Facebook. It got so tedious having all the baristas asking to be my friend, but such is the life of a GOLD card member. There's even a special app you can get that shows you all the stars you get for buying coffee. There's a virtual coffee cup that fills up with stars each time you buy something. The stars bounce around and jiggle in the cup like magic. Then, when it's all filled up, you get a FREE DRINK! Then the cup empties, and you have to fill it up again with stars. Amazing, right?
NO!
It's all a bullshit scam. Do you know how much money you have to spend to get your stupid free drink? A lot. And what's up with the stars? It's like they think we're children who wants gold stickers. "Here's your star for buying crap! Now fuck off." It took me a while to realize Starbucks coffee tastes like ass, and I was wasting my money every morning getting a mocha choca no fat soy almond extra foam no whip latte over ice. Now I just make my own coffee at home. It tastes about the same, and I save money. Also, I still get stars! Yup, I'm a dumb ass millennial who loves his stars. Each time I make a cup of coffee, I put a star on my helmet. That's right, I wear a helmet when I make coffee because that's what cool people do. You don't wear a helmet? What's wrong with you? Anyway, my helmet is almost full of stars. When that happens, I guess I'll put the stars on my broadsword. I wonder if it'll still cut through the demonic horde with stars all over it. Star stickers are kind of like enchantments, right?
I'll have to ask my sorcerer friend about it, even though he can be a dick sometimes. Have you noticed that sorcerers can be touchy sometimes? A lot of them are manic-depressive. Like sometimes you'll be out on a Friday night, and they'll be so fun, wanting to do crazy shit like shots of dragon blood then starting fights with that sullen-looking group of orcs. Other nights, they'll just sit there with their mead being all quiet and shit. And when you say, "Hey bro, you good?" They'll be like, "What do you think?" Then everyone else at the table rolls their eyes and looks at each other like, "Here we go again" while your sorcerer friend goes off on how his ex Morgana is such a bitch and blah blah blah. You just sit there and nod. At least I do. I try to care. Most people just check their phones because everyone knows the story. It wasn't Morgana's fault she broke up with your sorcerer friend. Plus, that was like TWO years ago. He totally needs to move on, but easier said than done, right? We all know what it's like to be in love.
Well, except our golem friend. He's just an animated lump of clay. Really good at football, but doesn't have emotions. I worry about him sometimes because he's always feeling bad about not being able to feel things like love and happiness. I tell him the flipside is he doesn't have to feel sadness and loneliness either. I always feel bad at how he gets all drunk then I drop him off at his little cave. I hope he doesn't sit there alone in the dark thinking about how shitty his life is and how it would've been better if that witch hadn't animated him in the first place. You know what? For his birthday, I'm gonna ask that witch to animate ANOTHER lump of clay to be his girlfriend. Wouldn't that be something? Although, knowing golem's luck, that lump of clay probably wouldn't be that into him. I mean, golem can be pretty boring. read more