When I entered this establishment I could almost TASTE the fear and anguish present in the main eating area.
I slowly approached the host stand with trepidation. With my arms and legs coiled, ready to attack. I knew from the first time I set eyes on the hostess that she was not to be trifled with, and I also knew from the way she was flaring her nostrils that it was not going to be a walk in the park to secure a table.
I quickly gave my fiance a sidelong look, indicating a warning, and she slowly backed out of the restaurant and returned to the car. I immediately returned my gaze to the hostess, who attempted to distract me with her long black hair. "Smoking, or non?" she said, as her black hair undraped itself from her shoudlers. "Ah ha!" I thought, clearly this was a trick question meant to distract me! I pretended to contemplate this fallacy while NEVER LETTING MY EYES MOVE from her hands. And without fail, she moved one hand (which was holding a credit card book) over her pocket while her OTHER HAND reached inside! Probably to obtain a knife or single shot revolver!
Well my dear and quick witted friends, I was not the kind of dude who was going to go down in a Judy Fu's Snappy Dragon, without a fight! You will not strip the life from my living corpse like one would strip candy from a baby!
As soon as I saw her hand dip into her pocket, I LUNGED FORWARD AND HEADBUTTED HER AS HARD AS I COULD. Another silent, or hidden (through a cloaking field perhaps) assailant switched off the lights as soon as I made contact with her forehead, and the restaurant was suddenly pitch black!
When the lights were off, I heard the scampering of millions of pairs of little feet, as if tiny humanoids were running about the restaurant, attempting to encircle me. "WHAT TREACHERY!", i gritted through my gritted teeth.
Thinking quickly, I pulled out a grenade and threw the pin on the ground, and quickly swallowed it, to prevent the dastardly gnomes from putting the pin, or some other small metallic item, back into the pin hole of the grenade. "THE GRENADES IN MY BELLY NOW! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"
And with that, the lights immediately turned back on, and it was like nothing had happened. I can only assume the gnomes knew that I had bested them, so they retreated as quickly as their intense onslaught began.
As for the matter of a live grenade in my belly, I can assure you, that I am completely fine, as I still had the prescence of mind to move (quickly, and quietly, while watching my back, in case of a gnome counter attack) towards the kitchen area, where a skilled chef was able to use a sharp knife to remove the grenade before the timer went off and it exploded. I was then sewn up with catgut.
I then sat down to a meal of hotdogs and chicken fried rice. I would have given this restaurant 5 stars, but I was never able to determine if the hostess was a gnome-human genetically altered hyrbid (who was clearly employed by the gnomes), or, if the hostess was merely a gnome riding within a human-looking battle suit (one should never doubt the mechanical prowess that gnomes are capable of, i'm certain they have made advances in cybernetics that would make even darpa blush with envy).
I was also able to use my credit card here which was nice because I enjoy collecting cash back rewards. Which I hoard. read more