me: Do you know why you're here?
....
me: It's hard to talk with a pair of gym socks in your mouth, yeah?
....
me: I only wore them twice since the last wash.
....
me: I'm kidding. I'll take them out. Does that feel better?
him: (*cough*cough*) Yes.
me: Okay. So do you know why you're here?
him: No. I uhm don't even know who you are.
me: Yes you do. You've spoken to me before.
him: But..? I really don't -
me: You've taken my order, several times. You work at Taco Deli.
him: (*blink*blink*) I do... I... is something wrong? I mean, because how I'm tied down right now, and the -
me: the sock, and the chloroform. Yes, dear boy. Something is wrong.
him: ...because I promise you, I don't interact with the food. Miguel is the one who -
me: No no. You're the one I want to talk to. About the cochinita pibil.
him: Oh that's a very good taco! It's a very good, very good choice.
me: I know it's a good taco. That's why I order it.
him: It's a GOOD TACO!! I have nothing against that taco!!!!! WHERE AM I?!?!
me: Calm down or I will restuff the sock ball down your throat. Okay?
him: ...don't even touch the food, I just write down the orders...
me: Listen to me. This is very important. I'm going to speak quickly and I need you to understand.
him: yes, okay. Okay, okay.
me: I once got a cochinita pibil to go. You have that cash register just for call-in orders, so I don't have to wait in the lunch line. And I just hopped over between meetings.
him: Yeah, that's cool. That's pretty cool - ?
me: It is cool. But when I got to my desk, there were no sauteed sweet red onions.
him: That's just a gar-
me: NO. NO. It is NOT JUST A GARNISH. It MAKES THE WHOLE TACO.
him: ...oh God.... oh God...
me: I'm sorry. I don't want to raise my voice to you. I want you to understand...
him: yes. Yes okay I'll give you red onions, lots of them - do you want a bunch of the sweet red onions, because we can go over RIGHT NOW! And I can give them to you, and -
me: No. Shut up. When I called to tell you that my cochinita pibil was missing the sweet red onions, you said... you said they were just a garnish.
....
me: They are not just a garnish. Are you understanding me?
him: (nodding) Yes, yes. Not just a garnish.
me: They *make* the taco.
him: Yes, absolutely.
me: So if my cochinita pibil is missing the sweet sauteed red onions, you immediately begin mustering all of your human sympathy for me. Whatever kindness you have in your soul, it pours out through the phone into my ears.
him: oh yeah, yeah, I don't know what I could have been thin-
me: It's not your fault. You didn't know. I am telling you now so that you do know. Okay?
him: Yes, oh yes. Absolutely yes.
me: Because otherwise that taco is only pork. And it's yummy pork, but that's all it is.
him: No, no, I can see how that would be devastating, absolutely.
me: Yes. That's right. It was devastating.
....
him: Are you going to let me go now?
me: Of course. You haven't seen my face, and I've been using this thing I downloaded to distort my voice.
him: I WON'T TELL ANYONE ANYTHING!!!
me: Are you listening to me? I said I'm going to let you go. But you need to do this for me.
him: Anything. OH GOD!!
me: You need to calm down. And you need to tell everyone to make sure they triple check every outgoing cochinita pibil...
him: yes, yes, yes
me: ...to make sure it has the-
him: SWEET RED ONIONS!!
me: That's right. The sweet red onions. That are not only a garnish. Very good. read more