Dude. What the fack. I went to Sure Thing Burger back in 2013 when it was on Maui, and our entire group agreed that it was probably the best meal that we had while we were there. I'm not even much of a burger fan, but the Ben Bear is and he insisted we put this on the list. It was one of the few times in our relationship when I was wrong and the Ben Bear was right, but the burger was so good I couldn't even be passive aggressive about it. It was so good that two of the people in our group actually sneaked away during our trip and went BACK to Sure Thing Burger. In retrospect, I would have done the same, if I had known what would happen.
Fast forward two years later and the same group of friends is going back to Maui and I'm planning the gastronomic portion of our trip. At the top of my list was to go back the burger place, but I had forgotten the name. I googled "burger Maui", assuming that it would be at the top of the search results, but nothing sounded familiar. However, a deeper look into my email archives yielded the name of the burger joint, Sure Thing Burger. Strangely, though, googling Sure Thing Burger kept leading me to a restaurant in COLORADO, and I was like, this can't be right.
BUT ALAS. Even more intensive googling uncovered the information that Sure Thing had moved from Amazing Tropical Paradise, Maui, Hawaii, USA to COLO-FRICKIN-RADO. I literally went through the five stages of grief upon this discovery.
Stage 1 - Denial: "This....this is a mistake. This Colorado Sure Thing Burger can't be the Maui Sure Thing Burger. It must be some other Sure Thing Burger, and the Maui Sure Thing Burger is still doing a brisk business in Lahaina. There's no way that the owners would just close up shop and move to COLORADO. THERE'S NO FCKING WAY."
Stage 2 - Anger: "WTF. MY WHOLE TRIP IS RUINED AND MY LIFE IS OVER."
Stage 3 - Bargaining: "Well maybe....maybe there's another burger place that will be just as good. Maybe I'll try Cheeseburger in Para - no, F*CK THAT." (I may not have completely moved past Stage 2.)
Stage 4 - Depression: "GOD, WHAT'S THE POINT? What's the point of putting any sort of effort into our eating plan? I might as well just eat stale poi for every meal. Eating anything besides a Sure Thing burger will only turn to ashes in my mouth. Is there even any point in going to Lahaina at all?? I hope it washes into the sea and takes me with it."
Stage 5 - Acceptance: "Well, I guess that's it, then. I'm going to Basalt, Colorado."
Anyway, I apologize for the histrionics, I wrote this within 20 minutes of discovering that Sure Thing Burger Maui is no more, so the emotions were still raw and tensions were running high. I don't know where Basalt, Colorado is, but I'm willing to make a special trip out there just to eat at Sure Thing Burger one last time. Is it near Denver or Boulder or any place cool? Just don't suddenly move to Nebraska. I'm not going there. Thank you. read more