It's me, Man with A Van, the hoopty van. So, I go to Ikea. A lot. Most recently just after the tax free weekend. Got a call from a guy with a shopping list to setup an apartment for his daughter.
I got there right on time. Originally we were meeting at 2:30 which he bumped back to 3:30. Wouldn't you know it, he texts to say he'll be five minutes late. Ten minutes later more bad news. I couldn't believe it, the expressway was jammed going south at 3:30.
Had a fifty cent hot dog while I was waiting. Totally forgot my new affirmation, "I do not eat junk food."
On the second floor there are three areas with sofas. We're in the modular section. Option one? Out of stock. Option two? Out of stock. Option whatever? Yes, it's available, except for the corner piece. We get a print out of all the frames and covers we'll need to hunt down.
Entourage moves on. Not only does my guy Vijay have his daughter with them, he also has his assistant, Purna, the man with the iPhone. Maybe that's how he found me.
Next, a bed. Omitting a few details like some chairs and a desk. The bed was missing the side rails. We buy everything but the side rails.
Note to unwary consumers, desk is ungodly heavy.
Wardrobe comes in three boxes. At checkout me and Purna the guy with the iPhone, who's driving the brand spanking new Chevy Suburban... discover we have box two but not back breaking boxes one and three. Like a ninja I sprint back to section 57. In 3 minutes I'm back.
Vijay and daughter are loading pillows what seems like pallets of other stuff onto evil carts with four rotating wheels; money is no object.
Usually, when I go to Ikea my customer is waiting at the loading dock. On this trip I'm inside picking the stuff off the shelves, escorting Purna back and forth from upstairs to down and back. The store is setup like a giant maze designed to bamboozle. After about twenty trips you'll start to get the hang of it. Even with a redesign on the lower level I know my way through.
Okay, so this is getting long winded but I'll be getting to the good part in awhile, ASSEMBLY!! Actually, I better get a move on because today is day three. I'm still on this job. Going over to do more assembly later this morning then back to Ikea tomorrow to get the remaining out of stock items.
Everything goes into my van. The back is so heavy the front wheels are practically popping up off the ground. Back in Cambridge I discover we had a communication glitch. First floor to my new friends means one flight of stairs, and they have no intention of helping me lug the heavy ass boxes up the stairs. "Can I get a helper," they ask? It's now past nine pm. Everyone I know, who's capable of moving furniture sends me straight to voicemail, except for my regular helper. James is on his way but it'll take him a good forty five minutes to catch up to me.
Meanwhile with a hand truck I manage to get everything up the stairs except for the main sofa frame. James gets fifty bucks to jump through his ass. It's an awesome gig, man with a van's helper.
Next day, yesterday I sort out the boxes. Assemble the bed up to the point of the missing side rails.
The sectional sofa is missing the cover for the ottoman. The list of items is about eight deep with frames and covers. No idea where the cover is for the sofa arm. It's so confusing between all the part numbers even the employees omit stuff, as in our case, the ottoman cover was not on the list. Luckily we have the cover for the corner frame, we just don't have the corner frame, we'll get that tomorrow.
Instructions consist of pictures only. Good luck to you neophytes with a roomful of this stuff. Even after ten years of putting this stuff together I still scratch my pumpkin sized head from time to time looking at the pictures uttering sounds to represent words I can not articulate.
Between the cushion covers, velcro, zippers, three sizes, actually four or five, there's the base the back, the seat cushions which zip to hold the cushions inside the cover which zips to the base cover which velcros to the base. Trust me, there's a reason why there's a picture of the guy bending over in the instruction booklet.
The only other thing I'll say about assembly is look at the pictures of the hardware inside the front cover. If you put a small lock in the hole for a big lock you'll go into a thirty minute tailspin if it's your first time through the ringer. Match your hardware to the pictures before you use it!
Despite all the agony of Ikea, the stuff looks really smart when it's all put together, assuming you don't mangle it in the process.
If you have time to kill as well as money, eat in the cafeteria on the upper level, stay away from the junk food concession on the lower level. The potatoes with mixed vegetables served with the salmon is my recommendation.
Basically, I love Ikea. Thank you Vijay. read more