Okay, it's Walmart, so I truly wasn't expecting much but this place is so crazy, it warrants it's own reality show. Let me start off by saying that I really never go to Walmart, but I found an item that had such a low price, I bought it on-line and had it sent to the store for pick-up (which they do for free).
I arrived at the "Customer Service" department and was second on the line. It's ironic they decided to name this slice of the store, because it's the exact opposite of what you're about to experience. The single employee that seemed to know how to run the register was helping someone return a half dozen items that I'm pretty sure came from the Dollar Store a few doors away. They're chatting away, while the employee types into the register like a gate agent at Newark Airport when you ask for an upgrade. The line now grows to 13. Yes, THIRTEEN.
Various zombies, I mean employees, wander in and out of the "CS" area looking like their tranquilizer just kicked in. When I ask for some help, they look at you like you're speaking a language from Game of Thrones and walk away! It's true, more than ten employees did this! Is Alan Funt going to jump out of the Dorito's display and I'm insanely relieved knowing I'm on Candid Camera? Sadly no, this is real.
I finally ask one of the zombies if Walmart sells flares? She utters "I don't know" or "come back after my pill wears off" something like that and I tell her "Well, maybe if I shoot a flare into the ceiling, someone will notice me?" She offers no reaction, just sauntering off in search of blood or whatever zombies eat these days.
I can't take it anymore, and ask "Why are we standing here like a bunch of meerkats?" to the crowd, and this very nice lady said "Oh, you're not a regular shopper, are you?" the whole line starts to laugh as I say "Why in the world are you?". After several more minutes of crowd banter and dismay, I finally lasso a zombie (between pills?) and she says "You're in the wrong department". You mean I wasn't supposed to be in the torture line, there's a better one somewhere??? She tells me to "do down there, and make a left" You know those directions lead me to a blue cinder block wall, right?
I quickly determine that the between pill lady didn't know her right from left, but at this point, even I was beginning to understand that at Walmart, NOTHING is what it seems. Then I arrived at the "pick up" area.......
It looked like a democratic fundraiser in Dallas.... EMPTY. Clearly the zombies here are a day older than the ones back there, which is not a good sign. There's a screen that asks you to "touch here for an associate". At first I was concerned that it was connected to the customer service area, but then I was quite relieved to learn it's connected to nothing at all. I wandered the stockroom and found the employee break room, a few people there told me to wait, someone would be coming (yeah, Santa perhaps?). The line grew to two and the other gentleman told me that he had done this before and that it was a bad experience then. Just when I'm starting to feel the onset of Parkinson's and a few other age-related illnesses a knight in a blue polyester smock arrives!!
Somewhat stumbling through the process, but very eager to help (it must have been his first day), he finds my items after ten minutes or so. The receipt pops out from the register and he asks me to sign them (I had two items that were separate) but then says "we don't have a pen". Really? I've gotten this far and you're holding me hostage over a signature? I state the obvious and say "you know, you sell them, right?" to which he replies "yeah, but we're not allowed to just take them" to which I reply "like the items I just paid for, but can't take out of the store?". I ask what aisle the pens are in, but just as you may have predicted by now, he doesn't know. I take the the "pen" attached to the credit card machine and scratch my signature into he paper (the situation called for this level of resourcefulness, CLEARLY)
I fled the store with items in hand and vowed never to return. I asked a friend of mine to kick me in the nuts if I ever mention going to Walmart again, and he graciously agreed. I feel pretty confident we will both hold up our ends of the bargain, so no more saving a buck but losing a of perfectly good chunk of life for me (not to mention, well you know what I mean guys.....) read more