As a requirement for my License to Practice Homosexuality, I used to be something of a Product Whore: Bumble & Bumble, Lancome, Rene Furterer hair products, skin creams priced at the GDP of a small country...You name it, I've tried it. And, sure, a guy needs personal care luxuries from time to time, but in my advancing age I'm learning that most of it is BULLSHIT. Not "why Darin, you're so cute!" bullshit. Like, People's Temple "drink this motherfucking Kool-Aid and achieve NIRVANA!" bullshit. I mean, Bumble & Bumble Thickening Shampoo is nice and all, but IT'S A SHAMPOO. It could be made of cat placenta, whale shit, and unicorn tears mixed by a peg-legged pirate with lice in his beard and a sinus problem but it still won't make a fucking difference to your hair SINCE YOU WASH IT ALL OUT.
I get that now.
So I came here to find some nice, run-of-the-mill shampoo that would give my hair body and bounce without forcing me to forgo my next meal. I also needed to buy an anti-perspirant with enough aluminum chlorohydrate to stanch sweat. And give me cancer -- kidding! (right?!?)
Now, most Walgreens place a few select items in locked plexiglass cases. But THIS Walgreens goes way overboard: TAG deodorant, bath gels, EVEN K-Y JELLY-- all placed under lock and key.
Can you imagine how fucking embarrassing it would be to buzz for an employee and ask them to open the LUBE CASE?!? Look, I'm a whore and all, but I like to be DISCREET and not announce it to EVERYONE IN THE WORLD, like on a public website dedicated to reviews for example!! Shiiiiit.
And lo and fucking behold, nearly ALL the shampoos I wanted to check out were ALSO locked up, preventing me from inspecting the ingredient list.
Way to make your customers feel like criminals, Walgreens! You mean it's not bad enough that I need to sacrifice my sperm every time I walk through your radiation-emitting security gates, but you want me to ask for help in order to LOOK AT THE FUCKING BOTTLE OF HEAD AND SHOULDERS?!? Fuck, this is like a PRISON. Of course, I don't mean Charles Manson prison, I mean NICE prison, WHITE-COLLAR prison, the kind of a prison where Mike Millken gives me a handjob and Ivan Boesky keeps dropping the soap, BUT IT'S A PRISON NEVERTHELESS.
So I was all set to give this Walgreens one star until I had the following conversation with one of the employees.
Me: Uh hello?
Emp: Yeah?
Me: I'd like to look at that bottle of shampoo, can you open the case?
Emp: Sure...
[fumbles with key fob and opens case]
Me: Sodium lauryl sulfate...
Emp: [watching me as I read over the ingredients]
Me: So i have a question. Why are the SHAMPOOS locked up? I mean, I understand why the $25 dollar copper cream is cased, but why do this with a $5 bottle of shampoo? Or even the bottle of Dial body wash?
Emp: Because people steal it. So for inventory control.
Me: Huh?!? Really?!? The deodorants too?
Emp: Yup you'd be surprised what people try to lift.
Me: But it's just a...shampoo!
Emp: Uh-huh, I know.
All I have to say is: if you're such a compulsive shoplifter that you steal bottles of PANTENE and TAG from Walgreens, I believe you have a serious fucking problem and should stop by Dr. Kevorkian's Death Van for a consultation. Just sayin'.
Now excuse me while I bathe in the blood of virgins. read more