(1/2 Yelp won't let me post it all at once) Jersey Boy Bagels is an insult to Jersey, boys, and bagels. Have some respect for yourselves.
I think the most efficient way to air my grievances is to address them one at a time. Let's start with the best and work our way down. And for the purposes of this review, I'd like to frame the conversation where "best" = "really good" and "really good" = "German economy post-WWI". Keep up.
1.) Taylor ham, egg, and cheese with SPK on a sesame seed bagel: I will grant Jersey Boy Bagels this, they managed to put an egg, some cheese, and what they believe to be Taylor ham on a sesame seed bagel. That being said, I truly believed that I lived in a society where it was impossible to screw up a breakfast sandwich with Taylor ham on it. Regardless of what crazy stuff happened in the world, that was my constant. My north star. Thanks for ruining that, boys. My worldview changed today, and to be quite honest I'm not sure how I feel about it. Are we, or are we not, in the town where George Washington won the Revolutionary War? I don't know; that used to mean something to people. Is this what he fought for? Slap me sideways, the men who spent the winter of 1776-77 freezing to death in Jockey Hollow ate better, and those poor guys were eating their shoes. You're basically spitting on the flag. Hope you feel good about yourselves.
2.) Sun-dried tomato cream cheese on an everything bagel: Do you know how good sun-dried tomato cream cheese is? Do you know how it feels to be expecting cream cheese that is flavored with a miracle of nature that was dried out BY THE SUN and then seeing...You know what? I'm sorry. I don't have the literary capacity to fully express my disappointment, so I'm just going to stop. Robert Frost himself doesn't have words to describe how bad their plain cream cheese is, or what a surprise it is to receive it unwittingly. The gastronomical theory behind cream cheese is actually kind of gross. We're eating stuff that came out of animals' nipples. I really don't want to think about it too much, and you're making me. So, thank you for that. Just put some sun-dried tomatoes in my cream cheese.
3.) Chocolate Chip bagel: C'mon, lads. All you had to do was put a bagel in a bag on this one. I don't know what was in that rock of a bagel, some sort of herb maybe, but it sure as shooting wasn't chocolate. I don't feel like it's that ridiculous to think that someone should know the difference between a delicious man-made delicacy and some seeds that grew out of cow manure. You might be wondering where a chocolate chip bagel fits into this very savory order. I'm not ashamed; I saw someone last week eating a Taylor ham, egg, and cheese on a chocolate chip bagel, and you know what? I was intrigued. Is it going to be absolutely gross, or will it be life-changing? These types of moments are few and far between, but I was too big of a baby to order it, so I got a bagel on the side to test the sweet and savory waters. Do you know how disappointing it is to think that your entire life is about to be changed by one breakfast sandwich combination and instead be left with existential dread? No, you don't. Cowards.
4.) Tuna melt with muenster cheese: My goodness, I thought Chernobyl was a disaster. Holy moly. What? WHAT? What is this? We asked for a tuna melt with muenster cheese, and we got a cold bagel with two cold slices of Swiss. Fellas, I get that Switzerland was neutral during the war, but it's sure not neutral in this case. My goodness. Who in the world allowed for this to happen? Listen, I'm not a pro-big government kind of guy, but you're convincing me that we need to expand the bureaucracy into overlooking our delis, so you guys don't pull a stunt like this again. The guy who killed Jeffrey Epstein is eating better than this. I want you to take a good, honest look at yourself in the mirror, and ask yourself how NO ONE in that store looked at that bagel, with two flaccid pieces of Swiss cheese, and thought to themselves: "No one would ever order this." Seriously, get into your receipts and find me ONE instance of someone asking you for a bagel with two cold slices of Swiss cheese. I'll wait.
Oh wait, not done. When I called the deli, they insisted that I was given the wrong bag. Nope. I had to explain to them that their delivery was just accurate enough to be recognizable as my food, while simultaneously not being my food. You know how sometimes a celebrity messes up their face with plastic surgery, and you're pretty sure it's still them, but if you had to describe what you're seeing to someone, they wouldn't be able to figure out who you were talking about? Yep.
Yelp won't let me post the rest about the problems with the DoorDash:Jersey Boys dynamic, problems with the manager, and another very witty Shakespeare reference. But trust me, it was a good one.
Long story short, have some respect for yourselves, for your food, for your customers, and for General Washington. read more