This was my first time visiting and eating from Eddie's Calzones. I was going to go somewhere else and get a salad or something, but as I walked past Eddie's I was felt a force take control of me and heard the gentle whisper of my dark side tell me "... forget the diet. Treat yourself..."
I wasn't up for a debate, so I obliged.
I walked in around 12:30 lunch time and found the restaurant completely empty. No people eating, no one at the register, and all of the chairs up on the table. I wondered if they weren't open yet or maybe remodeling. But no, after a few seconds a guy came from the back of the restaurant and took his post at the register just as I was about to leave.
This guy at the register gave off massive ex-con vibes. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't bad or anything, he just wasn't entirely sure how to be friendly. Again, not rude at all, I wouldn't want him fired, but I could see how some people might be rubbed the wrong way. If customer service were a river, Chick-fil-A would be the salmon jumping over waterfalls and this guy would be floating down the river with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. But anyway...
I was so taken aback by the lack of customers, wondering if it was actually open, and wondering if my cashier had ever smiled past the age of 15 that I felt rushed looking at the menu overhead. I ordered a pesto calzone in my rush, because it was the first thing on the menu that I read.
He asked me "for here or to go?"
I looked around at all the chairs on the tables.
"uh. To go."
I gave him my name, paid, and sat down in a booth to wait for my order. He disappeared again. I guess he was also the cook. Huh. Luckily the wait wasn't long at all, and he called out my name to the empty restaurant. I don't know why I felt the need to say "oh, that's me!" as I got up, but I did. I am not proud.
He handed me a plastic bag that held a Styrofoam container. I set out in search of a good spot to eat the calzone and eventually wandered onto campus and sat down under a shady tree.
I popped open the Styrofoam and looked at that glorious calzone. It's big. And thick. On the side was a small container of marinara. I dug around in the bag for my plastic cutlery but there was none. Oh. I briefly debated going back to grab some cutlery but decided my hands were fine utensils just as long as the calzone wasn't too hot.
So I picked that bad boy up with both hands and ate it like the Khaleesi biting into a heart on Game of Thrones. Immediately I thought "wow, Eddie does NOT go shy on the cheese." and I stick by that. That calzone was super cheesy. Easily a block and a half of cheese in there.
My second thought was "is it raining?" because I felt droplets of wetness gather on my pants and shirt. But no, it was not raining. Grease was falling from the calzone and onto my clothes with every bite. I put the plastic bag over my lap to prevent further garment ruining, and continued on.
Grease was dripping from my chin. Grease was dripping from both elbows. A small pool of grease had gathered above my upper lip and eventually made it inside my nose. "This is what you signed up for, you fool. This is what you get when you break your diet." I thought. But I kept eating. Damn, it was delicious.
When I say that this was greasy, I mean that when I finally finished eating the whole calzone and looked at the Styrofoam box to prepare to toss it in the trash there was enough orange grease floating around there to easily drown a toddler or two.
I went to grab the napkins from the bag to clean my, er, all of me, but just like the cutlery there were none. And I was soaked with grease. I struggled to pick up my cell phone and purse without transferring grease to them, but it was no use. They also got soaked.
I tossed away my trash and immediately went into the closest building on campus covered in grease and marinara. The woman inside thought I was a student on tour, but immediately realized I was not when she saw marinara dripping from my face and I just yelped out "RESTROOM!" She pointed left in horror, and I rushed off.
After roughly 20 or so paper towels and all the foam soap that dispenser could muster, I was finally clean. I snuck out past the woman who had greeted me and made the walk of shame back to the office.
That night I woke up pleading with my body not to purge. I knew I had made a mistake and begged my gastrointestinal organs to just let me off with a warning. Unfortunately, they showed no such mercy.
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TL;DR Service is strange. Food is delicious but greasy and I could feel my arteries clogging. Wear an apron and maybe some gloves. Be cautious if you don't have an iron stomach. read more