My friends, it's been a while since I've criticised a humble food seller.. I have been away and…read moreback again, distracted by a fair wench that I have now made my wife..Anyways, I'm back to excersise my creative wordology in 2025 and hopefully continue on with the book I'm writing about my misadventures. SO, Without further adue, let's lay into armPitts Brother's BBQ...
It was a Saturday morning when uncle Phil arrived at my door, 6am as agreed, the gentlemen are back in Ireland so we thought we'd celebrate with a full day drug fueled pig out. No, I'm not talking about the kind you might arrange with the chubster mauling her lipstick stained fish bowl glass in Whelans at the end of an evening of debauchery.. I'm a married man now, Sir..
No, we were on a mission to consume as much smoked dead animal, coffee, pints, and antibiotics as we could before his dad came to collect him. FOR HE IS A MAN OF LIMERICK, and a kind soul - rare to find in those westerly parts.
My spouse and sprog were also dressed for social warfare determined to keep up with the appetite of the warlords recently returned to the Fatherland..
Seated in the middle of the hall, a pedestal raised for the show ahead. My woman spotted her kin working the rounds and bent up to query her nationality. A match! A southerly piriguete ready to do our bidding and translate everything off the menu - CORN ON THE COBS for everyone in the audience.
Do I have your attention?!
Do I still have your attention? .. my meat is getting cold resting on the table while the kitchen gremlins in the back fetch water for the table next to us.. Eventually, it arrives, and I'm not surprised.. It's exactly what I ordered.. The same brisket that keeps popping up on my youtube feed every time I look for bbq recipes.. yeah, OK, it's grand, it melts in my face.. job done. I'll take the bloating diarrhoea to go, please, and a can of Fantana for the babee..
Hold up, there's 1 plate not touched.. Uncle Phil's better half. Sitting there with half a dead cow in front of her that's so dry, I wouldn't fuck with it myself without a ramicken of boner marrow to lube up that bitch. Send it back! Feed it to the animals! I'm not paying!
My wife's new friend drags it's off by the ankle to have a whine and a moan about it with the chefs and pop! Another one comes sliding across the table. I look back, and cheeky Little Miss Fortaleza has already left, not even a goodbye.. We're all done at this stage too so Uncle Phil's wife has a choice, walk around town with a dead animal in her pocket all evening til munch time, or eat it in front of us while we counting down the minutes before Phil's dads gotta come and pick him up.. tick tick tick.. decision time..
"Table service of 10% is included with groups of 4+.." Oh, that's reallll clever.. Raaeeell bad man.. what if we're not satisfied? Well my friends.. this is where yelp comes in.. the customer is king in the world.. You! small businesses.. You will never be able to silence the disgruntled pedestrians.. I hearby call upon all mammals of Dublin City and visiting beasts of Limerick, do not accept the surcharge! Also, ask for water when you walk in, all the free sauces and all the kings men - I'm gonna shit up the walls in your restroom again.. and fill my bags with complimentary toilet paper! Maybe even a lucozade bottle of soap while I'm there..
Today, a valuable lesson was learned.. Small businesses are ready for you when you walk in the door, like lambs walking into a slaughterhouse.. how didn't we see it coming.. we all know the landlords have em all by the balls, so they gotta pass it on to us and squeeze you, we're at the bottom of a pile of sweaty men, and when it's lunch time, it's crunch time.. but now.. I'm pissing upstream..
Next stop is Bah33 for my wife's birthday.. all you can eat.. mother fcukers.. I'm coming for you.. I'm gonna eat the day before to stretch my stomach, then eat nothing on the day, just hit the park beforehand for a run and a doobskin. Is there a limit on how much tap water they'll allow you? Cos I'm filling up a 5L.. custom briefs to keep tight you take aways around your saucey ghoulies.. the revolution is here and will be televised! The revolution starts neigh! Speak out and cream out! I won't stop until all small businesses are shut and we're all cooking Nigella and ordering bulk meat on the Internet! Why eat out for 30 bills when you can spend that on poteen and kill your own venison in Phoenix Park!
I'm telling ye, there's some quare things in Dublin- Between Howth and Crumlin, down in ringsend there's a 3 legged cat.