Before I begin, let me be completely honest because there is no way to say how I came to come here…read morewithout skirting by this. The reason I know this place exists is because I've watched Daym's video review of the place on YouTube. Honestly, it was such a funny video he put out that I just HAD to come out here and see this place for myself! It wasn't obscenely far from me either, being about a half-hour drive from where I live. So on this one fine day, I decided to come here for lunch.
My review of this place started the moment I'd arrived in the parking lot, and honestly, where the hell am I supposed to park? You can barely see any linings painted to direct me where to park, so I just kinda wung it and parked a little willy-nilly. After I turned the car off and went inside, I took a look around and picked up a menu piece to see what was good. The menu itself is quite extensive, kinda like reading a library book. Except who the flying hell wants to read a library book in a Chinese food restaurant? Not me, that's who. Anywho, I went and ordered the Dragon & Phoenix, the Crab Rangoon, the Chinese Donuts, and an orange Crush. The woman working mentioned it would be a 10-minute wait. Fine by me. Though there were probably a bunch of things I would have rather been doing than waiting in this place, I didn't have anywhere I needed to be anyway.
I looked at Daym's review for reference and then let my eyes wander, seeing if anything's improved. There were some improvements to the interior as the floors didn't seem to have cracks on them. The ceilings still looked old, and they looked even dirtier when I looked at the ceilings the woman was working under. They did have one fan running, but it was at the other side of the lobby from where I was sitting. Speaking of where I was sitting, the table I was at was about right next to the trash can and recycling bucket. As for how long I'd waited, it was about a 15-minute wait, but it felt like 3 hours.
When I did get my order, it was $28.61. Make of that what you will.
As for the food? The crab rangoons were soggy, and the filling while full was runny, kinda like a bloody nose. Oh, and the sweet and sour sauce again tasted like the salt licks of Tatooine on a hot summer's day. Seriously! There are Chinese food places that gets sweet and sour sauce done right! This isn't one of those places. But at least the flavor of the Crab Rangoons themselves wasn't bad. Moving on.
The Chinese Donuts were the best food item today, and it wasn't really even close. The confectioner's sugar surrounding the donut complimented the dough and had a nice, light crisp to it. Now, if I had stopped at just the Rangoon and donuts, maybe I would have been inclined to think the criticism was too harsh. But oh NO! I just had to get an entree, and dear God what was the Dragon & Phoenix doing?
So let's start with the white rice. It was decent, but I've had better white rice from Dominican joints that managed to fail horribly on baked beans! That should tell you something right off the bat, but that was only the white rice! Next, we have to talk about the rest of the dish. The chicken had a bit of a shocking taste to it, as if it tasted old. If I were the chicken who died to make that, I would not be resting happy right about now. The pepper took a few attempts to get onto a fork to eat it. The flavor of that was there, but the texture was a little off. As I ate more of the vegetables, I'd realized something. Whatever brown sauce was used in this dish drowned the vegetables so much, it was like they were on board the Titanic. And the prawns. My God, the prawns. These prawns were the chalkiest, most tasteless, saddest prawns I had ever eaten. If I were the prawn who died to be a part of this dish, I would have been haunting the person who took me out of the ocean and sent me to this Chinese restaurant to be served to unfortunate customers for the rest of their days. The brown sauce didn't really help things much at all. Finally, I don't think I've touched on this, but the menu says the chicken was supposed to be crispy. Yeah, the brown sauce drowned out any of the crispiness it could have had. Just make it grilled chicken at this point.
And finally, I need to talk about the fortune cookie, because my God was that fortune of mine insulting. When I got through my fortune cookie to read my fortune, it read "Your health will improve in April". IT'S AUGUST! So what am I supposed to do for the next eight months? Die of not being healthy and cry my tears in a closet throughout the winter? How can I even explain that?
There were no cars here before I came and even up to after I left. Now I know why, and now I know a Chinese food joint to stay far away from in the future. At least the donuts were good though.