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Fast foodites seldom consult Yelp, so my review will likely be lost on them. Instead, I write this review as a cautionary tale for enthusiasts of healthy, tasty, natural foods. It's a plea to hold onto your principles and avoid Mickey D's (McDo's or Maccas if you hail from France or Australia, respectively) at all costs, lest you ingest a glob of carcinogenic chemical byproducts masquerading as a breakfast sandwich. On a recent road trip through Roswell, New Mexico, I was lured in by the iconic Golden Arches, chewed up by rude, indifferent staff, and spat up by a hockey puck of a muffin sandwich. Even as a kid, I knew better than to patronize McDonald's, but I enjoyed their "food, folks, and fun!" ads featuring Ronald McDonald breakdancing with diners old and young. It seemed like such a happy place. Alas, the McDonald's I entered on the morning of September 28, 2018 was like a Bizarro World simulacrum of the McDonald's I remembered from my childhood. The employees were glum and the customers were old and crotchety. The moment I approached the counter, a zit-faced employee pointed me towards a self-checkout kiosk. I wouldn't have minded placing my order via touchscreen, but I was the only patron at the kiosk. As I stood there poking away at the screen and rejecting pop-ups for various disgusting, high-calorie add-ons, I watched as the employee took orders for several other customers. Yes, the Mysterious Ryan M. was refused service at a McDonald's. I consider that a badge of honor. When my to-go order was ready, a dour middle-aged woman barked my number, read the receipt out loud, and mumbled something about hating math. I could have resorted to the cliche "a frown is just a smile upside down," but I chose to piggyback off of her math comment: "A frown is just a smile that's been rotated 180 degrees on its x axis, assuming the origin is located at the longitudinal midpoint of the aforementioned frown." Okay, I'm being facetious. I thought of that joke much later. This woman was about as far removed from the "food, folks, and fun" (the three "F's") ethos as Joan Baez at a funeral pyre. In her case, the *four* F's related to gallbladder disease were more appropriate: forty, female, fecund, and fat. When I returned to the car, I unwrapped my sandwich and gazed upon the Frankenstein experiment sitting before me. What exactly *is* an Egg McMuffin anyway? Copied from McDonald's website: ______________________________________________________ PASTEURIZED PROCESS AMERICAN CHEESE (Milk, Cream, Water, Sodium Citrate, Cheese Cultures, Salt, Color Added, Sorbic Acid (Preservative), Citric Acid, Lactic Acid, Acetic Acid, Enzymes, Soy Lecithin.), CANADIAN STYLE BACON (Pork Cured with Water, Sugar, Salt, Sodium Lactate, Sodium Phosphate, Natural Flavor (Plant Source), Sodium Diacetate and Sodium Nitrite (Preservatives)), EGG, SALTED BUTTER (CREAM, SALT), CLASSIC ENGLISH MUFFIN (Enriched Flour (Wheat Flour, Malted Barley Flour, Niacin, Iron, Thiamine Mononitrate, Riboflavin, Folic Acid), Water, Yeast, Degermed Yellow Corn Meal, Contains 2% or Less: High Fructose Corn Syrup, Soybean Oil, Salt, Dough Conditioners (Calcium Sulfate, Monocalcium Phosphate, DATEM, Ascorbic Acid, Tricalcium Phosphate, Enzymes, Dicalcium Phosphate, Calcium Stearate), Wheat Gluten, Calcium Propionate (Preservative), Citric Acid, Calcium Citrate, Wheat Starch, Baking Soda.) _______________________________________________________ The monocalcium phosphate provided textural contrast to the pillowy diacetyl tartaric acid esters of monoglycerides (DATEM), the latter of which warmed me from within (early onset muscle fibrosis, perhaps?). I would describe the experience further, but the residual calcium propionate in my system has shortened my attentio.... Oh, look...a cat toy for me to play with!!!! Friends, please learn from my mistake. No matter how hungry you are, no matter how alluring the ads may be, no matter what childhood nostalgia you hold for McDonald's, eat somewhere else. Eat a homemade breakfast with wholesome ingredients. Eat at a greasy spoon. Eat dirt. Eat people. I write this because I care about you. Fun fact: Roswell is home to *two* McDonald's: one shaped like a flying saucer (because...well..it's Roswell) and this nondescript one on the outskirts of town. If you must choose between the two, opt for the former; at least you can tell your grandchildren about the time you barfed inside a spaceship.
6 years ago
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3 years ago
5 years ago
Fast foodites seldom consult Yelp, so my review will likely be lost on them. Instead, I write this review as a cautionary tale for enthusiasts of healthy, tasty, natural foods. It's a plea to hold onto your principles and avoid Mickey D's (McDo's or Maccas if you hail from France or Australia, respectively) at all costs, lest you ingest a glob of carcinogenic chemical byproducts masquerading as a breakfast sandwich. On a recent road trip through Roswell, New Mexico, I was lured in by the iconic Golden Arches, chewed up by rude, indifferent staff, and spat up by a hockey puck of a muffin sandwich. Even as a kid, I knew better than to patronize McDonald's, but I enjoyed their "food, folks, and fun!" ads featuring Ronald McDonald breakdancing with diners old and young. It seemed like such a happy place. Alas, the McDonald's I entered on the morning of September 28, 2018 was like a Bizarro World simulacrum of the McDonald's I remembered from my childhood. The employees were glum and the customers were old and crotchety. The moment I approached the counter, a zit-faced employee pointed me towards a self-checkout kiosk. I wouldn't have minded placing my order via touchscreen, but I was the only patron at the kiosk. As I stood there poking away at the screen and rejecting pop-ups for various disgusting, high-calorie add-ons, I watched as the employee took orders for several other customers. Yes, the Mysterious Ryan M. was refused service at a McDonald's. I consider that a badge of honor. When my to-go order was ready, a dour middle-aged woman barked my number, read the receipt out loud, and mumbled something about hating math. I could have resorted to the cliche "a frown is just a smile upside down," but I chose to piggyback off of her math comment: "A frown is just a smile that's been rotated 180 degrees on its x axis, assuming the origin is located at the longitudinal midpoint of the aforementioned frown." Okay, I'm being facetious. I thought of that joke much later. This woman was about as far removed from the "food, folks, and fun" (the three "F's") ethos as Joan Baez at a funeral pyre. In her case, the *four* F's related to gallbladder disease were more appropriate: forty, female, fecund, and fat. When I returned to the car, I unwrapped my sandwich and gazed upon the Frankenstein experiment sitting before me. What exactly *is* an Egg McMuffin anyway? Copied from McDonald's website: ______________________________________________________ PASTEURIZED PROCESS AMERICAN CHEESE (Milk, Cream, Water, Sodium Citrate, Cheese Cultures, Salt, Color Added, Sorbic Acid (Preservative), Citric Acid, Lactic Acid, Acetic Acid, Enzymes, Soy Lecithin.), CANADIAN STYLE BACON (Pork Cured with Water, Sugar, Salt, Sodium Lactate, Sodium Phosphate, Natural Flavor (Plant Source), Sodium Diacetate and Sodium Nitrite (Preservatives)), EGG, SALTED BUTTER (CREAM, SALT), CLASSIC ENGLISH MUFFIN (Enriched Flour (Wheat Flour, Malted Barley Flour, Niacin, Iron, Thiamine Mononitrate, Riboflavin, Folic Acid), Water, Yeast, Degermed Yellow Corn Meal, Contains 2% or Less: High Fructose Corn Syrup, Soybean Oil, Salt, Dough Conditioners (Calcium Sulfate, Monocalcium Phosphate, DATEM, Ascorbic Acid, Tricalcium Phosphate, Enzymes, Dicalcium Phosphate, Calcium Stearate), Wheat Gluten, Calcium Propionate (Preservative), Citric Acid, Calcium Citrate, Wheat Starch, Baking Soda.) _______________________________________________________ The monocalcium phosphate provided textural contrast to the pillowy diacetyl tartaric acid esters of monoglycerides (DATEM), the latter of which warmed me from within (early onset muscle fibrosis, perhaps?). I would describe the experience further, but the residual calcium propionate in my system has shortened my attentio.... Oh, look...a cat toy for me to play with!!!! Friends, please learn from my mistake. No matter how hungry you are, no matter how alluring the ads may be, no matter what childhood nostalgia you hold for McDonald's, eat somewhere else. Eat a homemade breakfast with wholesome ingredients. Eat at a greasy spoon. Eat dirt. Eat people. I write this because I care about you. Fun fact: Roswell is home to *two* McDonald's: one shaped like a flying saucer (because...well..it's Roswell) and this nondescript one on the outskirts of town. If you must choose between the two, opt for the former; at least you can tell your grandchildren about the time you barfed inside a spaceship. read more
4 years ago
Don't ever!!! go to this McDonald's they are literally trying to poison people I told them I wanted a cheese burger but instead I got a cheese burger with mayonnaise tomatoes onions and lettuce no cheese just mayonnaise the cheese was so badly melted that when I opened the burger there was clear substance an I almost ate it so just letting y'all know them Cooks ain't cooks at all they are going thru something it might be a Faze but they trying to give people Covid or something I Guarantee u don't want the burger they are giving u don't go here read more
7 years ago
7 years ago
7 years ago
