So let me start by saying that I came here for my bachelor party-- (obviously I don't have much faith in the marriage.) our server was Christi and she was sweet as the loins of my mistress-- very accommodating and friendly and made me smile and feel good about myself. However, the food was an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT STORY.
I'll start by saying this must have such a high rating because people haven't ever been to an actual restaurant before in this god forsaken mountain town. I wish I would've stayed in my motel room (that I paid for cash for ) and gotten the entire line of TGI Fridays frozen food series from the local Walmart, cooked them for only 35 seconds each on top of a radiator and then chowed down. Do you understand what I'm telling you? Undercooked halfway frozen microwaveable food would've been better, cooked in an unsanitary fashion. Here's how it went down:
Upon entering, the hostess started screaming about sweet potato fries at the top of her lungs. Verbatim:
"Hello, how are you? It'll be 4 of us, maybe five if I work out a price with Duchess, but just four for now."
The hostess slowly tilts her head, licks her fangs with a forked tongue, then proceeds to open her jowls ten inches apart as she lets out a blood curdling shriek...
"MY FAVORITE DISH IS THE SWEET POTATO FRIES!!!!!!"
Hm, that's odd, I think to myself, but with Obama in office and everyone being so PC and equal opportunity employers and what not, I figure The Beelzebub of Yams works into his health care plan somehow. She point to a table with her scaly red tail and we take our seats.
First thing we ordered was bloody Mary's all around and large 24oz "yahoo" or "yeezus " or "yippie " beers (some local BS) and double shots of whiskey (we were all pretty tweaked out and trying to drink our way into coming down a bit. I will say that Christi was on point bringing extra napkins for us to blow our noses in). Drinks were decent. Idk if Bloody Mary had alcohol in it or not though, but I told myself the tiny amount of tomato juice was a healthy choice.
For the apps we ordered the wings with atomic sauce fiesta. It seemed a bit overstated to name the sauce after the most deadly weapon ever, though the sauce was bright orange like the nuclear mutated blood of dead japs-- I'll give it that much. All in all terrible, and it gave Daisy bad heartburn and farts.
Next was the spinach artichoke dip. It was hard as a rock-- not really a dip. More just like something to look at on a table. Also, Francesca looked like she wanted to use it as a weapon against the crying toddler next to us, so i sent it back immediately.
Then came a simple wedge salad, and as I ate it and tasted nothing, I felt this might be a metaphor for life and all that I had become, but maybe it was just the ranch dressing.
To finish the first course, daisy got a cup of French onion soup because she is a liar and says she's got French on her mothers side. The soup was garbage, just like daisy. And daisys nose ring. And her choker necklace and incessant chewing of strawberry bubble gum.
Bonus points for Christi for being a punctual cleaner of shot glasses, leaving me enough room to rest my forehead on the table and wonder when the last time I cried in public was. She also gave me a few free shots I think. Not because she liked me, but because she lost count. Idk, maybe she did like me. Christi, check out missed connections on Knoxville CL if you're reading this and want to get a cup of coffee sometime-- and the company I was with was not what you think. Those were old friends from highschool. Anyway...
Second course:
I was really interested in the "little Italy" dish because while I stumbled into the bathroom to throw up whatever bile I had left in me, I passed a little dark-haired fella speaking fluent Italian : "chinga tu madre!" he tells me! I felt like I was in the rolling hills of Modena with olive trees whispering their ancient history into my ear. Plus my bitch fiancé never lets me eat Alfredo sauce because of my heart condition. Don't remember what else the whores ordered because I blacked out.
Fuck plus I just got notified from my bank that i overdrafted from this transaction god damnit . read more