Years ago, this was my in-hood go-to vegetarian spot, and if it was summer and I had a club night to run, I'd bring the headlining touring artists / DJs here for a pre-show nosh out on the patio accompanied by some leisurely-imbibed beverages. These music types I seem to bring in always seem to be food nerds, and this consistently proved to be a safe bet. It's one of those restaurants where you aren't limited by the three-way choice between the salad, some pasta dish, and a DIY flight of sides. Also, they take their booze seriously and their craft beer menu is fairly solid.
So....fast forward a few years (last month) and my boy and I pop in for brunch on a Sunday to casually run some ideas between us before we head out for another adventure. Yes, the place is loud with all that sound bouncing around on hard surfaces, but the tables are small enough where you can hear your companion, which might be partially due to the fact that most people are nursing a hangover and just don't yell anyway.
Then the weirdness then begins to set in.The table on our left is clearly full of newly-emigrated Trixies from Lincoln Park passively demanding validation from each other and then loudly encouraging all at the table to share some fattening and AMAZING desert selection. A woman is struggling to push a baby carriage through the double doors at the entrance only to awkwardly stumble upon a serpentine queue with this high-tech stroller outfitted with a suspension system fit for an off-road vehicle.
My companion and I order our meals, he this crab-cake via black bean riff that's one of the specials of the day, and I a BBQ seitan (wheat gluten pulled in a certain way to resemble the stringy-ness of pork) sandwich, with a side of their smoked Mac n' Cheese, for max-sharing action.
Well, my BBQ sandwich had RAW red onions and an impossibly crusty bread. First, red raw onions work best when they provide a bit of bite, texture, and color in mostly raw dishes: wraps, salads and the like. But we're talking BBQ here, and there needs to be some cooking of those guys. Those onions should be caramelized, providing sweetness and texture and just a hint of bite and softer texture.. But please no! Don't carmelize red onions. When you cook them they turn this hideous purple brown color that is just sickening to look at. I think Handlebar tried to combine their super "freshie vegan wrap" mentality with BBQ pork and ... no. I just ended up eating the M&C--which I really wish they threw under the broiler for a few minutes to get that nice crust of baked cheese.
Next up, the extremely-crusty bread. Do you realize that biting into two pieces of wood with slimy stuff in the middle basically forces all the gooey insides out of the other end? This is basic fluid dynamics, people. Come on, chefs: pretend you're on a date. Do you want to look like a slob in front of your date and then go home alone and cry for 5 hours with a painfully loofah-ed mouth rubbed raw by your out- of-control rock/bread?
I tried my boy's "black bean crab cakes." You've got to be kidding me. Fish is a delicate flavor and texture, which you'd probably want to go chasing after variations on soft tofu to get something analogous to happen. Black beans are so not it. Good god. Tasteless, mealy, bland, and nothing like fish. *Sigh*
Vegan (and vegetarian) does not have to be disappointing. It can be extremely awesome and creative. For instance, Karyn's on Green has spoiled me, I think. I remember leaning back from an "omelet" I had there one morning and just blabbering adjectives about how delicious it was. Karyn knows what she's doing, and how to do it right and consistently. Went there for dinner and ate vegan sliders and time slowed down while I slowly noshed down a teeny appetizer.
Do you see what I'm saying? Yes, Handlebar is hip and fun (and the bike-friendliness with the bike racks outside and bike-details within, like the bar stools made from rims) and has an inclusive menu, but just a few tweaks in standards here and there and they could have the hipster-bar equivalent of something along the lines of Karyn's. Just sayin.' read more