Hot Diggity Dog let's get funky at Finky town. This is Linguini Bonotucci of Yelp Elite News reporting to you live from Fink's in Suffern.
Regionally referred to as a motorcycle mattress and a headache of a parking lot, those who dare to enter leave ready to return in a few hours for entree number 2. Join me as I sit down with customers, maybe talk to some cooks and possibly order some food for myself!
I'm here with first-time customer Bobby Ray, Bobby what are the vibes you're catching here you little spunk rocket, "Hey Linguini...", Call me Mr. Bonotucci. Respect me or you'll find out why you should... "Yes, sorry hello Mr. Bonotucci, big fan. The vibes are legit. I was a little scared to come into this spot but I'm legit happy to be here. I can smell what the rock is cooking, I can almost taste it. I'm legit slippin out my socks inside of my crocs I'm ready to let these dawgs howlllll." Alright sir come calm down, I'm going to 'legit' have to tell you to take 5 steps back from me and bury your cheeks in breath mints because your facehole smells like a pig pen you shameless hog. Oinkkkkkkkk. "Do I really smell that bad?" Don't speak until spoken to, do you understand Bobby? Shut it... I'm back on the air.
You heard it here first, Fink's passes the vibe check. It's what you expect but also kind of more because most don't expect anything in here. Follow me to the booth with that lizard looking family of 6... hello folks what do we got here on the table? "We've done an assortment of the best appetizers as described by you Mr. B, to share amongst us. Smoked Wings, Gumbo, Tots and Porkenfries." Oh wow so just ordering apps today then? "No these are just the starters we'll get our meals after." Lord have mercy, how many toilets are at your house? Don't answer that... I'm sure Fink's will deliver a plumber to your house free of charge. Class organization. For those that have never been, the wings here ALWAYS hit that spot. The G one, or so I've heard. What do I recommend? I recommend you Cajun Dust me with that dirt you naughty ol' chicken... then Tango with me while we're lathered in Tangy Apple BBQ. YeeeeHawwwwww.
Sorry, cut out there at the end. I'm here with Gal Fieri who is covered in pork. Lady, can you free your hands and mouth from that plate of pork to answer a few questions? "Nom nom nom nom nom" Ma'am can you hear me? Hello? No? Oh man bring the camera closer look at her eyes. She's possessed by the soul of the entire Pig she's consuming here. I brought a needle... bring that over here and watch as I remove some blood from her and test the contents. Huh? Is it sanitized? Idk. Just keep rolling... I found it in the bathroom it's not a big deal. Wow look at the "liquid" I've extracted... I don't even have to test it. That is coming out super slow, yes that is pure lard coursing her veins. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant. I'm gonna be honest I'm getting pretty hungry here this lady doesn't deserve to be having all the fun does she?
~ (Linguini sets down his mic, unbuttons 10 buttons from his shirt, pulls out the insides of his pockets from his jeans, slightly undoes his zipper and dives head first into Gal Fieri's plate of pork. They are both just going at it, bite for bite it is a scene of bewilderment... seemingly lost in the pork they meet eyes for a moment and begin to French Kiss 6 ounces of Pulled Pork in and out of each others mouths. You'd anticipate the restaurant would begin to clear, but this is just a normal Wednesday night at Fink's.) ~
Hey guys I'm back, sorry just lost my place there on the prompter (wipes pork and mashed potatoes off corner of mouth and puts undershirt covered in duck lard back on.) The pulled pork is simply at another level here. It is always perfect by itself or in between two blessed buns. Corn Soufflé is the best side, Mac and Cheese is sublime, Quackie Tatties, some real nice baddies... just endless options... I'm just happy to be here. All the cheesesteaks are wonderful. They are huge, they are creative, they are customizable. They serve hot dogs. They come out fantastic. I feel like I'm a kid at a carnival here. My eyes are wide open, my smile runs ear to ear, I'm not wearing any pants. Life is simple at Finks. Smell food. Choose food. Eat food. Repeat until your belly rolls out of your shirt and you begin to foam out of your mouth whatever you most recently ate. Only then can you contemplate leaving. And at that point? You still may choose to stay.
Thanks for staying through this review. This is Linguini Bonotucci of Yelp Elite News... until next time. read more