Twas a balmy mid-summer afternoon as I set out on the quest. I was in search of the elusive Shangri-La of the midwest. A place the natives call "Culver's". This destination has eluded me in my travels for over a decade, but this time would be different.
On this journey, I would have the benefit of companionship. Two of my most trusted comrades in culinary arts, Mary and Katie, would attempt to make the perilous journey with me. With their guidance, we began our trek down the treacherous carpeted stairs. After we had made it safely down with nary an incident, we muddled our way through a confusing labyrinth of corporate proportions. With each step, we felt the danger grow and the tension was thick in the air. Weary and travel-worn, we navigated our way out of the maze. Our joy quickly subsided as we found ourselves staring down the dark cavernous abyss with no end in sight. Mary and Katie must have sensed my trepidation and began encouraging me to press on. Near exhaustion, they ensured me that we were close to our destination. I took their encouragement to heart and with each step we gained momentum until we erupted like a Yellowstone geyser through the abyss. We burst through a steel porthole which landed us onto a seemingly endless black plain. Oh the disappointment! We were closer than ever, but we still so far. The temperature was near unbearable, but this was the first time we glimpsed the sun on our journey. With squinted eyes stinging from the rays of light, I peered into the distance. Could it be? I could not tell if what I was seeing was real or if it was a mirage created by the heat emanating from the vast ebony desert. I looked at my companions, but not a word was said. Did they see it too or was I going mad with anticipation? As we crossed the black land it became clear. We had found it! We were there!
The walls of the palace were as smooth as limestone and as white as fallen snow. The grounds were lush with thick green grass and the stone planters were filled with flowers that mimicked colors of the rainbow. The bleached walls sat beneath a glistening royal blue covering that gently deflected the rays of light, providing the interior of the structure a cool respite from the unrelenting sun. As we approached the portcullis of this wonderment, a single tear welled in my eye. We had made it. We walked side by side to the opening, and then one by one we filed into the cool innards of the construction. TRIUMPHANTLY!
Once inside this mecca, we were greeted warmly by the residents of this alien place. Though I was a stranger in this land, the inhabitants made me feel as though I was the most important person in existence. After being greeted with a warm smile, they spoke: "Good afternoon sir, how may I help you?". I was astounded they were speaking my native tongue! Though they enunciated with a slightly different cadence than I, I could understand every word. Once my surprise and elation wore off, I requested a meal of fresh (never frozen) beef on a lightly buttered toasted bun. A single slice of delectable Wisconsin cheddar was placed atop the all beef patty and gently broke its form as it melted over the perfectly cooked meat. A mixture of ketchup and mustard were spread evenly and in perfect proportion beneath the beef. BENEATH! What a strange concept, but it was powerfully good! In addition to this fare, I also requested a strange treat known as a "frozen custard". It was the consistency and temperature of ice cream but it was not ice cream. Though the strange occupants named it a "concrete" it was soft, silky and flavored of peanut butter and fudge. DELIGHTFUL! Our journey to the land of Culver had taken so long that once we were presented with the fine fare, we had to leave this El Dorado. The people of Culver thanked us in our native tongue upon egress. Katie, Mary and I tightened our belts and began the trek home. Though the distance was vast, the journey back felt faster and less perilous now that we had achieved our goal. When we left the land of Culver we were heavy of heart and heavier with our vittles, but with each step our spirits grew as we enjoyed each other's company through many laughs and lamenting on the culinary goodness yet to come.
As we arrived back home, we went our separate ways. Katie and Mary disappeared into their Space of Crawl, and I resigned myself to the Mahogany Row where I sit now. After thoroughly enjoying the provisions from the land of Culver, I sat reminiscing. Unbeknownst to me, I felt a wry smile slowly crawl across my face. Would anyone believe that Katie, Mary, and I found this mythical place now that the fruits of our labor have disappeared forever? The only evidence of its existence was in the grease speckled brown satchel that we brought it back in. Though many will contest that our experience was real and that this mythical land exists, I know it exists...We have been there...We have seen it. read more