I saw god yesterday at Bongi's Turkey Roost. He came to me in the form of a thanksgiving sandwich on whole wheat bread with all the fixins. After my car was repossessed by a man in a woody woodpecker t-shirt, (a harrowing event which I will not get into) I have been needing rides from my dear friend Betty. Man is she fast! But since Betty has been so busy in a restaurant of her own, I had to resort to other matters to get to Bongi's yesterday.
It was a nothing short of a mystical journey. I traveled on foot, barefoot to be exact, all across the eastern seaboard to the quaint little villa they call Bongi's Turkey Roost. I did not know the exact location, so I simply followed the delectable odors that permeated the air with a sweet fragrance. Before I could say "garbanzo bean!" I was there. Covered in muck and grime from my long trek I ventured forth towards the door.
Like a M-80 explosive I was hit with the pungent aura of goodness, of which I could only attribute to the lord himself. I got down on my knees and began to pray. "Dear heavenly father" I wept, "pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death, amen!" I opened my eyes to see a slightly confused woman standing at the cash register. "Sir?" She said with concern. My eyes were full of tears. "I'll take the thanksgiving delight," I said with prideful determination. I wiped away my tears and sat down.
I cannot describe the way this place smells. It is as if god's tears were mixed with fried poultry brazen with liquid gold. It is so powerful that every hair in my nostrils were singed. And then the food was brought to me. A golden chalice of chocolate milk and a sandwich revealed under a silver cloche was presented to me. "Mae Govannen!" the waitress said. As she walked away I saw her ears, as pointy as ever. A High Elf! But what was a Sindarin doing this far east of Rivendell? Anways, I revealed the sandwich from underneath it's protective armor and wind blew back my hair. My face was shone in a golden light, so strong it nearly burned my corneas. There was the sweet sound of music rushing from the light, like the hymns of soft angels, rocking me into a trance. What I am about to recount is a true story.
The high elf returned to my table. My fat gut was poured out onto the table cloth. I was in a drunken stupor from the deliciousness of the food. "Be sure to drink your chocolate milk," the high elf said. I gulped it down in five milliseconds. I belched like never before. "Okay, your total comes out to be 9.95 plus tax," the high elf said. I ruffled through my wallet (which as anyone knows is full of nickels only) and I gave her 200 nickels to send her on her way. She counted slowly. "No tip?" She said, almost insulted. "What am I, made of nickels?" I retorted. "I think I deserve a tip," she clapped back. "Okay here's your tip," I said finally. "Always look both ways before you cross a busy street!" She looked at me infuriated. "We had someone like you here once. I think his name was Blake or Trake or something like that. He refused to tip!"
The chocolate milk began to hit me like a freight train. I was seeing stars, the room was spinning. The waitress transformed into a hairy deity with teeth for fingers. "GIVE ME MY TIPS" she roared. I was so scared that I actually kwendad in my pants. I began to pray. "Jesus help me!" I said at once. In an instant, Jesus Christ himself bust through the door, riding upon a white steed. "Avada Kedavra" he said and the whole place blew up. I was lying in a field of ashes and rubble. The place had been destroyed. Jesus then used his Jesus powers (as Jesus does) to Jesus the place back up to Jesus normal. Bongi's was restored, the beast was vanquished and I rode upon the white steed with Jesus into the horizon. "Know of any good food places around here?" Jesus said. "How about Birdies?" I said. And that was my day yesterday. Amen. read more