How to shop at Vons in Mammoth Lakes:
1. Check the date. If it's between 3-8pm on a Friday, or Saturday, don't bother. If it's a holiday, really don't bother, because despite the multitudes of grocery stores they could have stopped at on the way up, the city folk bought all the food and there's none left for you, unfortunate local. (You should know better. During tourist season, only grocery shop on Tuesdays or Wednesdays after everything's restocked. On busy weekends or holidays, only come while the mountain's open or at midnight to pick through what's left.)
2. Be moderately prepared for a social interaction. If you pop in any weekday during that post-work hour, you'll likely run into your dental hygienist, the bartender who got you hammered 3 nights ago, your boss' boss, 6 of your best friends, and the punk kids whose dog shits on your lawn every day. You don't have to dress up for this occasion, but don't walk in wearing the pants with the hole in the crotch you still haven't thrown away, and for god's sake, put some eyedrops in your eyes and refrain from eating candy bars in the liquor aisle.
3. Check your produce carefully, from every angle possible. Especially if it's a specialty piece of produce or an item that you would never catch in a ski bum's basket. It's not Vons' fault - things grow mold when they sit untouched between weekends. That's how you know it's actually food.
4. Pick through some more fruit and produce, then just say fuck it and head toward the front-middle section of the store - you know what they keep there. Say hi to just about all of your friends in the span of these 3 aisles. It's like our version of Cheers.
5. Spot some Big Important Person from your company loitering in the wine section. Say hello politely and awkwardly point at the bottle of cheap Malbec in your hand while commenting about meeting in the "best aisle of the store." Curse Vons silently for putting 2-liter sodas right behind imported red wine when she looks at you sideways, says "okay," and picks up a Cactus Cooler.
6. Escape toward the back of the store and suspiciously poke packages of meat, some in early stages of decay. There are usually plenty of edible steaks here as long as you're not picky about the exact cut you want, but today doesn't appear to be your day. Check the dates on every package before audibly shouting for joy and running for the cart when you see the meat man wheeling out a new batch.
7. Head left for some staple items. Since they upgraded this place a few months back, the inventory here now rivals a normal grocery store in a mediocre suburban area. You'll find everything you need, a few things NOBODY needs, and nothing more. While I still walk through city grocery stores basically salivating out of my eyeballs and mentally licking everything I see, at least I don't have to drive 3 hours to Reno every time I want some coconut oil and a mango anymore.
8. Cruise the Asian section, a 3-foot wide span of shelves that includes almost nothing but soy sauce, packaged miso soup mix, some Pocky, and a bag of Hello Kitty strawberry marshmallows that I've never seen anybody touch, ever. Consider buying the marshmallows. Grab a Shin Ramen and some Thai Kitchen coconut milk instead.
9. Get in line at the checkout counter (another place where you'll have to fist-bump a billion people and be fake-nice to a bunch of people you work with who're just being fake-nice to you back). Realize suddenly that you're standing behind your doctor and vaguely try to cover up the copious amounts of liquor in your basket with a piece of kale or something.
10. Tell Fireball (to his delight) that he broke his previous record today once he's done flinging your shit across his station and into bags more rapidly than you ever believed could be possible by a human. Say bye and see ya later - you know you've made it in this town the dude remembers your name. read more