I've been on the prowl for a new pair of sunglasses. And since I use materialism as an existential crutch by purchasing bags and shoes in a doomed attempt fill the ever-expanding void otherwise known as MY LIFE AS A SOCIAL RETARD, I needed something truly fabulous in order to prove that, yes, I'm a superior person in every way and, more importantly, to conceal my parasitic behavior and utter lack of anything meaningful to contribute to society aside from vacuous reviews that alienate me from everyone and contain excessive innuendos about fucking ass. HOLLA!!!
Of course, whatever I purchased would have to be free from logos -- a tough request since some cocksucker's name is on EVERYTHING these days. I fucking HATE that, partly because I think logos are pretentious and the sign of someone with no taste of their own and as classy as Michael Eisner raping Hannah Montana (which might be your fetish, I don't know), but also because the quality JUST ISN'T THERE. Pick up Dana Thomas' "Deluxe: How Luxury Lost Its Luster" and read how logos -- now the province of the conglomerate -- no longer stand for excellence; how status and hype have replaced quality; how, thanks in part to globalization, most luxury manufacturers cut corners and release sub-par product with an astronomical markup and all the appeal of a seven-fingered child sewing in a sweatshop; how few companies still make goods worth the cost (for bags, it boils down to Hermes and Valextra). Not to mention the mental associations I make whenever I see particular logos, associations which are based on extensive psychological marketing research that I just made up in the last 10 seconds. For example:
Coach = Tiny dick
D&G = Tiny gay dick
Burberry = Colonialist
Chanel = Nazi collaborator
Gucci = Meth-addicted porn star with genital warts
Louis Vuitton = Osama bin Laden
Well, Dimitri and Olga, the incredible proprietors of Spectacles For Humans, understand all this. You won't find Prada, Chanel, Oakley, Persol, D&G, Paul Smith, Oliver Peoples, or any of the 94582974365 other lines pimped by eyeglass monolith and mass-manufacturer Luxottica here. No, everything in the store is artisan, logo-free, and made in limited batches. Many of the designers carried here are either German or Japanese since both countries do two things really well: invade other nations and precision optics. Also, cars. WOO, Axis powers! From the screwless Mykitas that fold and unfold forcefully with German assertiveness thanks to their hinge springs, to the ascetically sculpted temple curves on a handmade PropoDesign, to the subtly detailed hues and retro appeal of a DeromeBrenner, you will only find exceptionally crafted frames that stand at the apex of the art and -- needless to say -- come with a price to match.
Thanks to Dimitri's superlative ability to match frames with my face, after racking my pea-sized brain I finally settled on "Gerber" in white by Reiz Augenspiel. Now I rarely do white ANYTHING because it clashes with the dark night of my soul and sexy depressive appeal, but DAMN my new spectacles are smokin' and BURN WITH THE WHITE HEAT OF TEN THOUSAND VIRGINS -- PRAISE ALLAH! Rectangular, handmade and hand polished with three layers of cellulose acetate in different colors (white-clear-white), the transparent acetate layer sandwiched between the milky outer layers give the frames a distinct three-dimensional depth and a pellucid, opalescent brilliance that reminds me of semen strands on a pearl necklace. And not only was I floored by Dimitri's ability to match the frame to my face, he also transformed Gerber into sunglasses by cutting and inserting gradient lenses GRATIS.
I'll definitely return once I have the cash I'll make from harvesting my internal organs and giving a shitload of back alley blowjobs. And you, dear reader, you should definitely visit and marvel at the frames on display here -- and if you can't, you're a fascist shithead and I hate you.
Anyone know how much a human heart fetches on the black market? Yes, I am a human. read more