The most important thing about visiting Pennings Orchard is picking someone you can spend the whole day with. I visited last September with my friend Kaelin, and we ended up spending the whole day here. By mistake.
We drove up from New York City. There was no traffic across the Brooklyn Bridge or among the sprawl of small hotels surrounding Met Life stadium. We mocked them and scoffed, how useless and inane. The drive wound us through patches of Northern New Jersey that looked more like Ireland than America. It was radiant, verdant and the perfect landscape to open the windows and play DJ and driver.
When we arrived no fewer than four people every 100 yards told us to keep driving to the back. We bought an apple bag, parked in a field and tried to remember what variety of apples are good for what. The rows of trees are bountiful and closer to the ground. We were quickly distracted by a barn at the top of the driveway. There were loose calfs in pens that day, so we pet them without supervision and with hand sanitizer. It was a gorgeous, not quite hot day, and there was plenty of room to graze the trees a few times before picking the best apples. And plenty of room to drop your keys somewhere in the tall grass.
When you lose your car keys at Pennings, don't waste your time looking. We retraced our lazy steps through the trees for hours and didn't find them. It was annoying, then a little worrying, and eventually it was a resigned brand of funny. This is where great friendships are discovered, not made. You won't tough it out, you'll hang out and see what happens. Make sure you're the type of people who can roll with the punches.
Fortunately, it is hard to run out of ways to kill time at Pennings! I bought lunch. This area was more crowded with lots of families getting completely decent food and drinks at the bar. The dads were ordinary and handsome. We contemplated hopping in the back of a pick up and starting a new, rural life. It seemed romantic and plausible. We have skills. Kaelin is very good at riding horses. I'm tall.
If you're looking for more sustenance, the ShopRite across the street is the single greatest grocery store I've ever seen. It had a fresh meat bell -- it signaled the presence of ripe ground beef. Also maybe two city slicker fools who were trapped with no way out. They also have indoor seating, so you can sit there for an hour or two eating gluten free cookies and salsa. It is crucial you pick someone you cannot run out of things to talk about with.
When you exhaust the orchard, the calfs, and the ShopRite there is an ice cream window and a crepe shack. The ice cream is solid. On top of that there is live music. Yes, if you get trapped at Pennings they will provide live entertainment! We didn't try any alcoholic cider, but as the sun went down we silently contemplated it. It might fuel a rendezvous with someone who owned car keys. Take the apples in the bag and steal the keys...
I bought apple cider. It was too sweet and not rich enough for my taste. I bought half a pie for our tow truck driver as tribute.We kicked through the grass one last time, the late summer sky turning gold at the edges and dark blue in the dreamy center. Cars and their apple bags pulled out of the field one by one until only our small, inert chariot was left in the middle like the last goose on the lake before flying south. The lighting at Pennings is unbeatable. If you wait around until the last minutes of daylight, you will snap your new profile picture. (A talented and indulgent photographer is required though.)
The sensational drive that made arriving at Pennings glorious made it quiet and unremarkable leaving it, sandwiched in the front seat of the tow truck. (The tow truck driver took so long that I withheld the half pie.) The drive home is where you'll know if you're good friends or not. If you don't start fighting in front of the nice man, you're probably good for life. You won't get to play the rest of your playlist though, leaving the best of Taylor Swift, John Mayer and Harry Styles for another day. More than once you will ask yourself if you have to sleep in the hotels you mocked. You will also ask yourself if the higher power governing the universe is actually a Courtyard Marriot-based God. Not impossible.
Visiting Pennings is completely enjoyable even if you're stuck for six hours. You really can't run out of things to do. I bet it's even less stressful if you choose to be there for six hours. However, it's only fun if you like the person you're with, if you understand each other, love each other and have a particularly unhinged joint sense of humor.
If you must lose your car keys, do not do it in an orchard. You will never find them. But if you could pick an orchard to lose your keys in, Pennings is your best bet. It's a fine place for a fiasco.
Alas, we will probably never return. It is cursed land, and we got the hint.
P.S. If anyone ever located the keys, let us know. read more