part 1 of the quest for the baddest black leather jacket. (yelp can only handle 5000 characters per review)
i'm no fashion maven, but in my layman's opinion, every guy should own a black leather jacket. it's like an extension of the penis for us guys, you know. sports car, motorcycle, remote control and a black leather jacket. so since i'm not into sports cars and can't get a motorcycle after my last accident cuz mom and girlfriend will cry until i get all guilty and my damn remote control to my 13 inch tv is broken, the extension of my manhood is pretty much limited to a black leather jacket. not just a black leather jacket. the baddest black leather jacket! yeah, i know. it's pathetic, but even a geek like me gets penis envy sometimes. um, what? what did i just say? wait, i already have a monkey. just not an extension yet. hence my quest for the baddest black leather jacket...
so i've been searching high and low for this baddest boy in the city for almost a year now. vintage stores, thrift stores, boutiques, leather stores, gay and metro mecca stores, etc.. no such luck. no extension to my baby. i'm doomed!!! as a last act of desperation, i capitulate and walk into the the store we all love to hate- macy's. i was hoping and hoping that maybe, just maybe, i can find that elusive baddest black leather jacket at this monstrous building that is six floors tall and occupies like three blocks. on a side note, i swear, union square should change its name to macy's square cuz there's no presence of union whatsoever here. just a whole lot of cheap labor who are forced to smile every day. yeah, i understand. i would hate to be you, too. anyway, getting back to my hot dog extension hunting. hey, shoppers and tourists, get out of my way. can't you see i'm desperate? can't you see that i'm on a mission impossible to find the baddest black leather jacket? where the eff are you hiding at? let's start with the basement.
the basement: damn! whole lot of surfing wears for kids who don't surf. how do i know they don't surf? well, when did they start making xx-large surfing wears? most surfers are relatively lean cuz damn it, it takes a whole lot of energy to paddle and try to catch the wave. ok, let's move on to the other side of the floor. oh, this must be the hip hop wear or urban wear, but not too many hip or hopping people here. just a few tiny asian and white kids with zits and three inch spiked hair. by the way, what's the deal with their clothes? they're like 5'4' and 120 pounds, but they dress like they're 6'4' and 250 pounds. so why the xxx-large jackets and shirts? do they think it makes them look bigger and badder? i think not. wear something that fits you, kids. shit, i sound like an old person. damn, i must be getting old. anyway, i scan the rest of the floor. no leather jacket. next floor.
1st floor: underwears and underwear male mannequins. hey now, there's no need to flaunt your perfect pecs and abs. look, i'm already feeling insecure right now about my monkey. is it really necessary to strategically place the adonis mannequins with perfect hair and perfect body every ten steps? i get it. i'm fat. well, sort of, but i will not starve myself to look like one of them. hell no! ok, let's move on to the other side of the floor. oh noooo!!! striped dress shirts and ties everywhere! my stripe-dar is off the hook. must escape. must escape immediately!
2nd floor: oh great, ralph lauren and his polo shits. hey, i have a question. why is it that polo ads never feature asians yet so many damn asians wear polo shits like it's an elitist symbol or something? why? wait, if ralph can sell his shit to an entire race without any kind of target marketing, that's effing brilliant. oh, how i hate shrewd old men. by the way, if another old man stares at my girlfriend's tits again, i don't care if he can get it up or not, i'll still kick his arse. anyway, i scan the floor. oh wait, leather jackets! i almost pre-cum as i rush over to the jackets. oh no! these are "middle" leather jackets. you know, for middle-aged men with fupa (tm john g) or middle america. actually, i think you can purchase them on one of those shopping network channels for $69.99. and shipping is free. ok, on to the next floor.
part 2:
http://www.yelp.com/biz/r93Ifk44x0MFwgWMB2Co6Q?hrid=T3gkM3axvCLNmwq30IjfAA read more