Very interesting dinner the other day with my wife and son. I could rave all day about the food, but I'll just cut straight to the meat and potatoes, besides the actual meat and potatoes, which are amazing.
Our server provided a very unique experience, to say the least. Our server, who I believe said her name was Cameron, but I could be mistaken, greeted us by saying, "What up, dorks. Welcome to the steak joint," which seemed strange, but I was actually pleasantly surprised to have someone with an actual personality for once.
We come here quite often, so I couldn't help but ask if they were out of anything, which she responded that she couldn't really be sure because she normally doesn't work Fridays. I informed her that it was actually Thursday and then asked what exactly that would have to do with the restaurant being out of anything. She responded that she didn't appreciate being attacked and threatened.
I, as calmly as I possibly could, tried to start from scratch because at no point was I aggressive, but before I could get three words out she blurted out, "Bro, I'm just in a bad mood. I can't help it. This damn full back Tuxedo Sam tattoo both hurts and is so frustrating because I hate everything Hello Kitty."
I sat there completely dumbfounded, but also beyond intrigued. I asked for all the details as to why she had a full back piece tattoo of something she hated.
She informed us that earlier that day, yes, the tattoo was that fresh, she had been getting tattooed for eight hours and then came into work. She had asked the tattoo artist for a full back tattoo of Sandra Oh. My wife immediately cut her off and asked if she meant the actress from Grey's Anatomy, and she responded that she doesn't know about all that jazz, but she was in the movie Sideways, which is by far the best movie ever, and if any of us disagreed we could expect something beyond devastating to happen.
We all informed her we had never seen it and she made a loud fart type sound and yelled "LOSER ALERT" and started going "weee wooo, weee wooo" like a cop siren. My family was beyond embarrassed, but I gotta admit I was loving it.
I asked her to continue and she said that she wanted her entire back covered with Sandra Oh, but the tattoo artist must've misheard her and thought she said Sanrio. She had come in the morning and he had the outline and showed her Tuxedo Sam, but she assumed it was a practical joke for April Fools.
I told her that didn't really make sense since April was eight months ago and she informed me that everyone knows tattoo artists are eight months behind.
With that, she spent all day getting inked up and at the end it was revealed to actually be exactly like the artist had showed her before, Tuxedo Sam in all his glory. She felt so embarrassed she didn't say anything and just accepted her new identity as is.
My wife started to complain that this was all absurd and that she was uncomfortable. Then my son chimed in that he didn't care, he was just starving and wanted food.
Cameron shouted, "Hey everyone, we got a group of fart breaths that don't appreciate movies about wine country," and started the police siren noise with her mouth again. My wife and son both began weeping.
Then the server said, "Okay, relax guys. I'm not trying to get fired. I already have six write ups for talking mad smack to my tables and one for leaving a portable speaker under a table and playing Fifty Shades of Grey at full blast, so I really don't want to get fired. In fact, if we play a little game I'll even comp your meals. Just recommend a cover up tattoo and if I dig it, everything is free"
I started to tell her to go with a Harry Potter tattoo and she again cut me off and simply said, "A hairy back tattoo sounds rad. I love it. The meals are free."
Well, after dinner we left a thirty dollar bill as a tip and went on our way since she was going to be taking care of it, but as we got to the parking lot she ran out and said we still needed to pay.
I asked that she said it was all taken care of and she explained that she had a preloaded gift card that we had to use to pay with and we had to be the ones to insert it into the card reader. She then handed me a rock wrapped in a piece of paper and I asked confusedly what this was for.
She said the paper perfectly explained it, so I unwrapped the note and read, "Gift card equals this rock, and card reader equals your butt."
I was about to finally lose my cool with all this madness, but as I looked up she ran into Panera Bread doing finger guns back at me.
I ran into Panera, but she was nowhere to be found, so I returned to LongHorn and explained to the manager everything that had just happened over the previous ninety minutes and he simply said that couldn't have been Cameron.
She doesn't work Thursdays.
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