As I sit here sipping this absolutely fantastic americano that I just made, I can't help but think about all the people - god, so so many . . . like an entire football stadium full . . . neigh, a NASCAR stadium full . . . basically everyone I've ever met - who have complimented me on the espresso that I serve. They're always saying "Joe - this is a fantastic espresso! I think I could die and go to heaven." To which I respond "Don't die here, because I don't want to clean up the mess, and heaven is a fucking myth created by feeble minds, so drink your damn coffee and lay off the theology already, would ya?" Anyway - it's true, I do make a pretty good espresso, if I don't say so myself. Today, I am letting the whole world (or at least everyone who reads my Yelp page) in on the secrets.
First of all, making a heart in the foam on top of a latte or cappuccino is easy. Making a leaf is tricky - but learn to do it, it's worth it. How? I got a barista at Blue Bottle to teach me. There are tutorials on line - figure it out. I'm not a damn Professor of Milk, for god sake. I'm not going to come over and wipe your ass for you! Sheesh! But I digress . . .
A great espresso (or cappuccino, or latte, or americano -- which, btw, the Italians call "caffe lungo" in case you're headed over there any time soon, which in Italian is "una volta prossima" btw) requires a few things. Here they are, in order of importance: love; good beans; good water; and a good espresso machine. It's not all that simple though, because buried within those elements are the requirements that the grind be just right, that the grounds be properly tamped, that the water temperature be spot on, and the the espresso machine pump supply the right amount of pressure for the grind and the tamp.
Your head is spinning right? Well stop spinning around in circles, doofus - that makes people dizzy. Didn't you learn that as a kid? Sheesh! But seriously - Illy makes it all easy. Here's the deal . . .
Illy has this promotion - it's not short term, they've been doing it for years. They'll sell you a $600 Francis Francis X5 espresso machine for $150 if you buy at least four cans of Illy coffee monthly direct from Illy for one year. As long as you'd drink that amount of coffee anyway in 12-18 months, that's the bargain of a life time. [A note in deference to the true coffee purists who will point out that you cannot manually calibrate the temperature or pressure settings of a Francis Francis X5: you're right. It isn't the best espresso machine money can buy. But it's still a damn good machine, and the presets are pretty close to perfect. If it starts acting up, you can get it serviced in the U.S., or for a mere $150, just buy a new one, you fucking cheap skate holier than thou coffee snob!] Illy even throws in a set of the groovy Illy designer cups, and they let you pay the initial $150 in three monthly $50 installments. All too fucking good to be true you say? Pah - you're wrong! I'm not making it up! Check it out: http://www.illyusa.com/AB1666000/memberships/EMP_Print.cfm
The X5 has nearly the same guts as the X1, which is that fancy uber-design espresso machine you see sitting on all the design snobs' ktichen counters in Dwell and all those other hoity toity design magazines. It's a little smaller, and at $150, about $750 cheaper. Take that, design snobs! (Don't know what the hell I am talking about? This is the X1:
http://barclayscoffee.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=55)
Once you've got you nice machine, and your fabulous Illy coffee, the rest is pretty simple, but if you have any doubts about your espresso pulling skills, read the instructions that come with the machine. It isn't rocket science. Frothing milk is rocket science, making espresso is easy.
This whole deal is so super that I've done it 4 times. I have an X5 at home, one at the office, and I've gotten 2 as gifts for friends, enabling me to give a $600 present for a mere $150, and to keep my monthly coffee shipments coming.
Illy is the bomb. The bomb diggety. Nay, Illy is the ATOMIC bomb diggety. If you love coffee, and you don't live next door to Blue Bottle, get yourself an X5 and monthly coffee delivered to your door direct from Illy, and in no time all your friends will be asking YOU "Hey Melissa [even if that isn't your name - weird huh?], how did you make this fabulous espresso? It's amazing. Will you marry me?"
Try it - you'll be amazed. read more