In May, I engage in a ritualistic sort of endeavor known as CinnaNON Week, in which I consume no cinnamon. The details of the event are elusively lucrative and I wish not to divulge them here. However, as it is now July, I feel it is time to detail my excursion to Cinnabon on June 16th before its details grow unclear.
On this date, I called upon a collegiate acquaintance of mine, whose name I seem to recall as Manuel Reset, and I inquired if he would indulge me in a luncheon. He was unavailable, so I called upon his brother, Ray Reset, who was available. We went upon a lark to consume only the most delightful sandwiches at an unrelated location, and at this luncheon, I detailed him to him at great length the very nature of CinnaNON. In this informal outline, I ever so adroitly explained that in a sort of system purge, rather, a dietary jettison, I abstain from any and all cinnamon consumption for the entirety of a week. This week had reached its conclusion by June 16th, as it would happen, which I assuredly noted to my companion. Ray informed me that he was worried for my health, to which I replied that this spice-based dietary reformation was only a beneficial lark and in no way degradarious. He amended his previous notion to claim he feared I spent too much time with the rodents and not enough time with human beings, to which I stood, straightened my tailored suit that covered my often-admired abdomen, and replied "Sir, I'll have you know that in this past week alone, I have socialized with upwards of six individuals for various purposes, four of these interactions being evenings out with prospective lady dates, and one of these interactions being with my recurrent lady date, Aquade, a former missed opportunity. Moreover, the time I spent with my rodents, Truffle (beloved, age 5), Loyce and Lace, Force and Feed, Yelesa (newly-acquired hamster, problematically conniving yet intrepid), Real (chinchilla named for a former lady date of mine when I was on a Hawaiian vacation at age 15 with my heinous Aunt Tesla), and Gregory (guinea pig, wily, inarticulate at this time), is in no way squandered."
It seemed my words attenuated his desire for debate, as the subject was jettisoned and he departed the luncheon. I departed for Cinnabon, considering this attenuation of discussion as reason enough to return to the world of cinnamon in full force (an expression I regard as a charming idiomic allusion to my dear Force).
At Cinnabon, I encountered a female staff member, named something to the effect of Clayve. She seemed all too familiar, so I grew reticent, maintaining steady eye contact. Clayve did not inquire as to what I wished to procure; rather, she returned the eye contact and uttered that I possessed a great deal of nerve. I responded that I was unclear as to what her prerogative was. She uttered that I had allegedly courted her in 2019 and provided an unpleasant experience during an excursion to view Aladdin (2019) at a drive-in movie. By her account, I deposited her at the snack booth and was then caught making out with another woman. Clayve found this to be a heinous sleight, and when she returned to my vehicle after I had deposited this other woman (Till?), I supposedly attempted to woo her over with what she referred to as "asinine dribble" (my words, not hers) about the life and times of famed animator Ray Harryhausen. This biographical account failed to amuse, and she informed me that she was disinterested in furthering the courtship.
I nodded solemnly at this report of the evening's events, then told her I felt mild remorse and wished her a life free of heinousness. She then informed me that she and Till were engaged to be wed, and that she would not be serving me at this Cinnabon. I requested to be served by a different associate, and Till turned around to reveal her presence as a fellow associate. Things were, at this point, regrettably unpleasant. Another associate, male, age 26-34, assisted me. I ordered a standard cinnamon roll with cream cheese frosting. Please, for the love of all that is good in this world, learn how to bake properly before becoming a staff member. Then allow these staff to re-teach you, as they are so above incredible that you will learn that what you thought you knew of baking was woefully short of where it ought to be. This Cinnabon was superb, to say the least, and an excellent bookend to CinnaNON.
Attached is my rendering of the cinnamon roll, as accompanied by Carey Mulligan's lips (modified) for clarity's sake. I title it Mervin's Law, Yesterday And As It Should Forever Be (7).
-Dr. Marris Dare read more