BLUE BALLS
One wildly successful season can't erase a century of extreme baseball vasocongestion.
((this is part 1 of my Crosstown Yelping, following annual interleague play in the heated Cubs/Sox rivalry, a.k.a. "The Redline Rumble"))
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I'll be nice and start with some much-deserving praise:
In 2016, an outstanding ballclub rocketed toward a championship with an incredible regular season record of 103-58. The final series against Cleveland was one for the books and some of the most exciting post-season games I've ever seen. I applaud your amazing manager (Joe "bespectacled" Maddon) and every player on the roster for this tremendous feat.....except for Aroldis Chapman cuz he's a violent, woman beating piece of sh*t.
I'm happy that so many older die-hards who suffered through decades of heartbreak and defeat got to witness a World Series victory for their team. It's a great feeling, on the same level as falling in love with your soulmate. Y'all have been waiting for over a hundred years; seeing my good friends and fellow Chicagoans crying tears of joy did briefly bring a smile to my face.
Yes, there were flashes of brilliance during those dark years, like Sammy Sosa's notable home run chase in 1998....although he used corked bats & steroids and is now an albino whose appearance scares the living p*ss out of me. (google it, then prepare to wet yourself in terror)
Player-wise, you've got your Mark Grace's, Mark Prior's, Greg Maddux's......Kerry Wood's 20-punchout game is still the single greatest pitching performance in baseball history, period, end of discussion.
And then there's the MVPs, the legends: Ryne Sandberg, Ron Santo, Ernie "Mr Cub" Banks, and of course longtime broadcaster Harry "holy cow!" Caray. Even a Sox fan like me loves and respects these men for their contributions both on and off the field.
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Now for the fun part: the slamming.
The years leading up to 2016? Pure hilarity. A long-running and ridiculously cruel -- but hysterical -- joke orchestrated by the baseball gods with the Chicago Scrubs as the central punchline. I wasn't around for the NLCS in 1984 but they gagged on a giant bag of Padre d*cks, that must've been something. However I was present for the epic dumpster fire in the 2003 NLDS playoffs.
Perhaps it was the routine grounder that Alex Gonzalez botched.....or the bullpen meltdown that coughed up an 8-run inning to the Marlins. Regardless, you blamed Steve Bartman (my hero), you blamed the billy goat, you blamed poor Bernie Mac (r.i.p.) for altering the lyrics to the 7th inning stretch, you probably blamed the stadium hot dogs for being tainted, anything to shift responsibility away from your precious team. Pansies.
How about the 2008 collapse to the Dodgers, where the NL-best Cubs committed 6 errors in 3 games? How about Michael Barrett totally losing his sh*t and nailing my man A.J. Pierzynski in the face? I was at that game, and I'm still sour about that blatant lack of sportsmanship.
Let's not forget Carlos "i can't control my temper" Zambrano. He tried to eject umpires, threw punches at his own catcher, took baseball bats to innocent Gatorade machines, and generally acted like a petulant toddler when he wasn't throwing 99mph fastballs....into center field.
* TL;DR *
By writing this I know I'm inviting tons of heat, and that's fine. Sox fans have had to put up with your Wrigleyville buttf*ckery and bullsh*t bandwagoning for EONS, and with the notable exception of last year, the Cubs have - historically - sucked.
Your ballpark has improved a TON in the last few years, the Ricketts family has seen to that (I actually gave Wrigley Field 4* on Yelp, and I stand by it). But the majority of Cubs fans are insufferable and couldn't name 5 players on the roster if they were handed the lineup card.
Some might think your greatest rivals are the Redbirds or the Brew Crew, but I think we all know that your mortal enemy lies on the Southside of Chicago.
Sure, you had a fantastic run in 2016 but you're all still tacky and I hate you. read more