As my buddy sits down for our lunch, the young waitress immediately gets him an iced water to drink, no questions.
She set the drink on the table before him then kissed the back of his hand.
She then proceeded to ask me what I wanted to drink in a thick accent that I'll let your mind recreate. .
"Ice water is fine. No lemon."
I reply.
"Okay, what would you like to eat?" She asked.
Thinking she meant us both, I looked at my buddy,
"You know what you want?"
"Oh, we already know what Mr. J likes." She replies for him.
"Spicy...very spicy. Make his ears ring, he tells us!"
"Uhhh, okay. I'll have the same thing then. I know how hot he likes it, so I'll just have like a quarter of the spice he gets."
"Yessir!" She says while handing me a piece of paper and pen.
I look at it quizzically.
"Oh, you have to sign this waiver." She states emphatically.
As I'm signing on the dotted line, she shouts as loudly as possible;
"BRING IN THE SPIIIIIICE!"
As soon as she bellows that out, Chili Klaus and two dudes wearing HazMat uniforms come running from the back storage room wearing gloves while cradling a medical cooler that's just pouring out bright light and thick steam from the boiling whatever inside.
Seeing my surprised face, she gloats excitedly;
"Mr. J likes it very hot. We have to buy ALL NEW woks everytime he comes in! They melt like lava!"
"The smell alone while we cook it sends other customers into a coma" she continues as she shoos all the other customers out of the restaurant.
What did I get myself into? Surely just a quarter of that spice shouldn't hurt me?
As I'm dying from dehydration because all of the sweat and snot have left my soul, the waitress asks;
"You like?"
"Ohh, of course. I love going at it the Portia route!" I reply. (If you get that reference...you are a giant among insects.)
I only halfway finish my meal next to a pile of snotty/sweaty napkins. Wondering when the torture will end. I eventually reached a point where I lamented taking for granted the moments my lips, gums, and teeth felt normal and boring.
Never eat just even a lil bit of how hot this place can take it. Your O-ring won't forgive you the next day. Unless you need to bury those feelings under a nice warm Capsaicin blanket. read more