tl;dr: Bring your own food! Bring your own booze! Go with the flow and you may get lucky and rise from the ashes satisfied with the experience.
Full review: I know better, I should have read some of the reviews here, or at least taken a passing glance at the overall star rating for Texas Winos. Alas, I did not. I saw the Groupon reviews (4.5 stars) and my subconscious complacency kicked in.
Girlfriends birthday inbound. Group of friends informed. Date determined, Groupons purchased. Ready for Sloshville, USA.
The group gathers at CRU downtown for a light brunch and mimosa. Everything starts at almost 11 on the dot, mimosas waiting at our tables. We sit down and start picking at the fruit and mini pastries on the table. 15 minutes go by, and a little bit of panic sets in.
Is THIS the light brunch? Am I to go carousing throughout wine country with a few meager cubes of fruit and half a mini muffin to fuel me?
20 minutes have elapsed. Trying to consider backup options. Jo's coffee is right next door. Do I go get food there? No, here comes another dish to the table, we are good!
Salad.
Starting to feel defeated, I poke around at the salad.
40 minutes passed. Girlfriend and friends looking disappointed. The hanger will strike early on and I will be the sole victim of their combined starvation. This day is already turning sou- POTATOES!!
A plate of potatoes hits the deck, followed by eggs and veggies. Disaster averted. I sigh with relief. The hungry eyes of my group are redirected to their now-full plates, their contemplation of which parts of me they'd carve up first for lunch temporarily suspended.
An hour gone by, it's noon now. Mimosa's have been long empty. Plates are picked over. Time to go. But we sit. And sit.
Things are running late, should be soon, we hear. Life happens.
2 hours have dragged on at CRU. An announcement is made. We are headed to the bus! The pre-gamers bust out their wine and beer and get to work. Is this previous experience with this tour at work or is it a guzzling gamble? I lament bringing nothing, but never would have guessed that I'd be sober by the end of the tour. Hindsight...
***
First stop: Hye Winery. Nice atmosphere. Nice tasting format. Food options available, but we had had breakfast. We decide to see what the next place has to offer. Of the wineries we visited, Hye was my first, Hye was my favorite. They had a T-Rex spout on one of their bottles that made it look like a T-Rex was vomiting blood into your glass. How do you top that?
Back on the bus.
***
Second stop: Mandelbaum's. Israeli wines? Cool. Never seen that before. Richard announces complimentary meat and cheese inside, and as we are starting to get hungry again, the group is thrilled.
We enter the pavilion, a large wooden dome that smells like the lumber aisles at Home Depot. No meat or cheese in sight.
We start the wine pours. A built in stop spout on the bottle ensures that we each get a fairly distributed micro-drop of each wine. As we study the 10-or-so molecules of wine we have been served, it is clear that our eyes lack the fine magnification required to see it. We attempt to sip the wine, but inadvertently allow the entire specimen to enter our mouths. I think I tasted something.
A platter of cheese cubes comes out. As well as bowls of oyster crackers. Yes, the free ones that come with soup. I see another bowl on the other end of the bar. Chocolate chips...? Let's get back on the bus.
***
Third stop: Fat Ass. Clearly crunched for time at this point, we gather around the bar at which point the pours start raining down like hellfire. No time to sip, people, pound those drinks! Each pour tastes more and more like melted otter pops. Watermelon. Strawberry. Peach. Cranberry Seasonal. Woof.
Despite the fastest tasting session yet, we meander around this winery for an hour. We pet a donkey. We talk about food and regret not having eaten at Hye not knowing it would be the only option. I pay $20 for two of the smallest wine-a-rita's I've ever seen. Just tastes like another otter pop. Slushy this time.
... back on the bus.
***
Fourth stop: On the way back we stop by a small establishment called Vinovium. Our sole mission is to find out if they have food. We head to the bar, when we are intercepted by one of the coolest pit bulls on earth named Nacho. Mmmm, Nachos. Right, food. Hungry. Get!
We see a sign. Frito pies, $5. FRITO PIES. We need them and we need them now. My friend orders one, looks good enough for us! My girlfriend steps up to order one, pays the cash. We wait.
"We're all out of Frito Pies."
"What other food do you have?", my girlfriend politely inquires.
"I have nothing."
Come around the corner, to see Richard Wino throwing away half of HIS huge Frito pie. Glad someone got one. Cheers.
Piled in the bus, rode back wondering how some of these people were so wasted. Finally back in Austin. Dinner at Fado. Shot of Jameson, & a beer. Thank all that is holy, we made it. read more