OMD, it's time for yet another episode of....
The Good, The Bad, and the UG-(record scratch)-wait wait wait. That's not right. How about....
The Good, The Great, and The Slightly Less Than Optimal!!!
(Reviewer's Note: I am nomming hard on a cold slice of veal meatball pizza as I write this. NOM.)
(TLDR: Eat and Drink here.)
The Good: Wife and I on a random Thursday night decided to try something new. We looked them up, and we were excited. The website is brilliant: They offer both reservations AND the ability to add yourself to the wait list. Introverts Rejoice!
There was no wait at all, so we cruised into downtown, parked in the adjacent ga-rage, strolled across the park, and were quickly seated at a charming little table for two.
The Menu is tight, which in my world is a great sign. I'd rather you have 6 things on the menu and do them perfectly, than have 50 options done poorly. No worries there, the carte has a near perfect selection of plates, bowls, trays, and Detroit style pizza.
Atmosphere was lovely. The music is good, but quiet enough that you can hold a conversation without shouting. Decor is stylish, and spoke to my heart (we sat near a pic of Jimi wailing on his axe. Good times.)
On to the Great! (You're still reading?)
The cocktail menu was beautifully Northampton. Strong drinks made with liquors I've never heard of (or that I have a bottle of hiding WAY in the back of my home bar, which I used for that one recipe that one time back in '07.)
We ordered two, and were not disappointed. The Start Me Up would definitely get Kieth and Mick's approval, and the Baby Zombie Panda (HUH?) was a lovely Prosecco cocktail. Is that a huge square ice cube in my drink? Yes, please!
The service was solid and friendly, 5 stars for our server.
On to the food! We ordered the smashed Wagyu burger and fries, and the aforementioned Detroit style pizza. The burger was delicious, and the fries were amazing. The side of Bacon Mayo was worth the extra dose of Lipitor I'll be taking for the next week. Tell my Cardiologist I regret nothing.
My wife was less a fan of the pizza. It has a very thick crust, sauce on top. I've never really been a fan of Detroit style, but I'll admit, this was the best one I've ever had by far (way better than anything I ate that week I spent in Dearborn.) And frankly, cold the next day was like a bit of Heaven. I'm keeping it in the Great column. And the Pizza is rectangular, about 9" x 11". Six squares, crispy cheese around the edges. Could easily be a meal for two or an app for 3. They might convert me here.
The food and drink was great, but It was bound to happen....
The Slightly Less Than Optimal! OK, if you've read my other reviews, I always have to find something. (Nobody's paying me for these reviews... I'm beholden to no-one! I can shine a spotlight on every flaw I find!! You want a flawless review? Start ponying up that mad fat influencer cash, yo!)
First, the flatware is cool looking, very hip, very stylish... and hard to use. I have giant man-hands, and the fork and knife were elegantly dainty. -.001 stars. I ordered a burger and fries, my wife ordered pizza. It would have been great if it all came out together, but the burger and fries arrived about 5 minutes before the pizza. This lead to my wife om-nom-nomming on part of my burger and many of my crispy, delicious fries and bacon mayo, thereby depriving my arteries of the cholesterol they were excitedly expecting. And I can't just sit there eating while my darling spouse stares at me with those puppy-dog eyes without sharing. I'm not heartless! (Cardiologists note: If you keep eating bacon mayo on French Fries, you will be, Mike.) -.001 stars
Also, there are 2 wonderful looking salads, but they don't have a protein add-on. Charge me $8 for a grilled chicken breast, I'm in. (Seriously, my cardiologist is begging you to sell me a salad with miso rosemary infused chicken breast on it. Actually, he'd probably prefer you serve me a lemongrass-thyme grilled tofu or something... ) -.001 stars.
Honestly, those are the WORST things I can come up with. That's it. I'm griping about the hand feel of the flatware, sub-optimal food timing leading to french fry thievery, and the lack of a protein option. I've written worse things about restaurants with Michelin Stars, FFS.
The Wrapup: Eat here. Drink Here. I hear you can dance here. Dance here too. All told, Tellus and the Satellite Bar are a fantastic addition to the downtown Northampton scene. I'm rounding up... 5 FULL STARS!!! read more