I saw on my cable box that I could get Showtime for $4.95 more a month. Which sounded pretty reasonable. I loved that William H. Macy series. Just click here it said. So I did.
And, it didn't work.
And it referred me to the toll-free number.
So, having lived in 21st Century America for a few years now, I know about toll-free numbers and all the prompts and time-wastage, and I decided to log into the website instead. Which was fruitless.
Because, of course, they don't let you change anything about your TV plan without speaking to a representative. Because that would make things easy.
So, I give up and call. And, 4 auto-prompts later, I'm faced with a choice: Do I want to add or remove service? I say add and I get through to a sales rep. She tells me that I can't just do that $4.95. I'd have to pay for the channel lineup, too. Another $15/month or something. "Ah," I say.
"But--great news!" she says. She can upgrade my entire package for what would just be 4 cents more. So I have a choice: admit I've been suckered into spending fifteen dollars plus 4 cents into the next tier of service (almost two hundred more dollars a year). Or I can say, no thank you.
I go for choice B.
"But it's just 4 cents more!" she says. And on and on. What a great deal!
I consider trying to explain basic math but I'm mad now. I've been suckered into a horrible conversation with a mathematical moron (or, to be fair, a person just trying to make a living who's stuck with a mathematically moronic script) on a Sunday night.
So I decide I want to drop back to basic cable and tell her so.
Oh, I can't do that, she says. That's another department.
"Because you only have access to the up button not the down button?" I foolishly ask. And then have to be explained that it's not a matter of buttons.
So, I let her put me through to the other department. And, guess what? Yes, that department is closed!
This company keeps the up-sellers on late but the downgraders close shop early. Because, you know, radically different set of skills changing a customer's subscription one way vs. the other. And how's a company supposed to gouge customers if they can downgrade as easily as they can upgrade? And, presumably, downgraders don't work on commission.
All high-class problems I know, but isn't slimy behavior slimy behavior no matter the situ?
And then the next night I call earlier to get to the downgrade desk and inadvertently get to the wrong department (the prompt say add service or remove service and I'm not doing either, so I say "change service") and wait on hold and wait on hold till "George" gets me and I make a bad joke about how I want to downgrade because I'm saving up for Verizon Fios and he keeps me on the phone for 5 more minutes saying all kinds of ridiculous lines from his script--what will you do in 2 years when your Verizon contract runs out (guess his masters are alarmed about Verizon!) and I tell him in 2 years I'll probably be living in a cardboard box because of my bad subscription entertainment decisions and can he please just downgrade my service? And he can't.
So, I ask, can he please get me through to the right department?
Unnecessarily long & intelligence-insulting conversation cut short here: I just missed the downgraders. Call back tomorrow. I ask for his last name. (He has mine, shouldn't I have his?) Won't give it. Can I have his supervisor? Sure. He'll put me through.
Phone rings through to an autoprompt. That says they're closed. Please call back tomorrow.
It's on my calendar. read more