According to the CDC, Wisconsin leads the nation in binge drinking, 10 years in a row. Now that's something to be proud of. I was in 'The Hud' for my cousin's wedding and we had just finished breakfast when someone asked --
"Is that a bar sandwiched between two bars, across the street from a couple bars?"
"Niet, the one in the middle is a liquor store."
Later after visiting the sandbox-sized St. Croix beach and admiring the statue that commemorates the birthplace of the Boy Scouts, I was looking to keep that level of excitement. I ask my cousin-in-law for advice on the local nightlife as I'm researching them on Yelp for iPad.
Q: Dibbo's? A. Bikers.
Q: Sports Club? A: You'll go days without seeing a woman.
Q: Pudge's? A: Bring theme music and a cornerman cuz there's gonna be a fight.
Q: Dick's? A: You'll love dicks.
I don't know if he was making a recommendation or a prophecy but I decided to give it the old college try. I half expected to be greeted by a sign above the door announcing 'Drinkin' Beer, Shootin' Deer since 1955' but it wasn't country at all. I recognize a dive when I see one.
SPIRITS
Death's Door Gin: the more something sounds like it's going to bury me in the ground, the more I want to try it. Liquor labeled with poisonous/ radioactive/biohazard warnings seem to have seriously inebriating effects on me. Maybe it's psychosomatic, but this locally distilled liquid was no different.
Mad Bird Rum: it has a pink flamingo action figure attached to the bottle and I'm from Florida, I didn't need an excuse.
Local Beer: brewed by New Glarus, Grain Belt, and Leinenkugel are better than many craft beers I've had and cheaper than bottled water.
Lucky Dog: surprised to see this Brooklyn native on draft so far away from home. They also brew non-alcoholic beer for man's best friend --
http://www.pawsitive.com.mt/images/Lucky%20Dog%20Beer.jpg
Beanblossom Hard Cider: comes in apple/blueberry/peach/strawberry and packs a serious 8% ABV punch. My crowning achievement in Hudson was to get a recovering alcoholic to drink one of these because she thought it was pop. In her defense, it does come in a pink bottle with cartoon farm animals all over it.
SUPPER
Veggie Burger: deep fried with cheddar, onions and marinara sauce? Sounds like something they'd make on My Drunk Kitchen -
http://hartoandco.com/my-drunk-kitchen/
Big Richard: burger topped with deli-thin ham and Swiss. Served in a hubcap that was probably from a vehicle that had a 'Killin' Bucks, Drivin' Trucks' bumper sticker on it.
MUSIC
I was making conversation with a truly stunning woman, even by Miami standards, and was wondering why she had decided to wear a Vikings sweatshirt that made her look like purple amoeba, when my cousin who acts about as black as Carlton Banks yelled out --
"Real n****s say word, you ain't never tell no lie."
Followed by HYFR by Drake
"Don't you love this bar? Are you drunk right now? Will my iPhone ever get service? Do you have any singles? I heard you have hot girls in Miami, is it true? You getting handsy?! You think the family you with, is with you? And I said hell yeah!" Obviously DJ Lancero http://www.yelp.com/user_details?userid=pEnw0xIh8MAgn5OLwoOxkw had taken over the jukebox. Not only that, he was dancing with a girl that until then had been using crutches...
Stanky-Legg Lindsay: Cirque du Soleil needs to hire her. She has the extraordinary ability to dance on one leg, seemingly forever, while the other is in an orthopedic cylinder cast. I helped her scratch an itch...by attaching 2 straws to a plastic fork with painter's tape; we were best buddies after that. I don't know what I was going to if my contraption fell apart while it was under her cast though.
NO SMOKING
My sibling, being accustomed to smoking in bars unknowingly walked inside with a lit cigarette. He immediately turned around and in those two steps was bombarded with warnings and threats. We'll call her 'Heidi' because in Wisco there's a 50% chance that's actually her name, followed him outside and gave him a relentless lecture. He responded to by lighting two more cigarettes and blowing tire sized smoke rings in her face. Don't worry; Heidi got payback by tripping him as he was running back in for last-call. I think they were secretly infatuated with each other.
With the exception of Officer/NCO clubs on military bases, it's the cheapest bar I've ever been to and that's without subsidies. 3-4 drinks for $10...in Miami you're lucky if you get one at that price. I heard there's going to be some changes/renovations coming to DBG and I just have one suggestion...a new name...Dick's Club, Members Only. read more