No, no. Get this. So I've had a shit-ass day at work. Boss was on me because I was twenty minutes late again, apparently we aren't supposed to just "throw files away," and Pamela from HR was on me about filling out my background check form AGAIN. I've avoided Pamela in the break room, the elevator, the parking lot, company Christmas parties, staff meetings, and every other public space for almost a year now. When I time it wrong and she catches me, I always say -- and I mean, every time -- "yeah, I'll be by this afternoon." And she believes me every time. I think she's lonely really.
Anyway, so today I was getting off work and I know there's no clean dishes at home, on account of the fact I broke my dishwasher trying to rinse a few parts to a '93 Toyota Tercel I'm rebuilding. I know. Thing's gonna be a total beast once it's up and running again. But I gotta eat, ya know? And I don't wanna fuck with Wendy's and her clapbacks tonight so I'm sitting there thinking, "Man, where do I go in this town?" And then I see it like El Dorado on the horizon: Chick-fucking-fil-A. I bust a U-turn in the middle of the street because that's what you do at 6 o'clock at night when you remember Chick-fil-A is a thing.
I pull into the drive thru even though the line is all the way in the Walmart parking lot. What's ironic is there's a McDonald's right next door. Place is totally gross. One time, I had the flu and I was trying to get to the pharmacy and I had to pull over because I didn't want to puke in that Tercel I was telling you about. This is before it broke down. I didn't have a choice, man. I'm telling you, I threw open the door of that blue Toyota and spewed Campbell's soup all over the parking lot of that nasty McDonald's. I drove over it trying to clean up my mess, but I don't think it worked. And I just never go there anymore. Plus, there's a Chick-fil-A right next door, so why would I? I mean, c'mon.
Anyway, I'm in the line and the menu board is way up a mile in front of me. Soccer moms and Wednesday night Christians are packin' the place. But then I see this lady holding a fucking iPad or something and I'm like, "No way. This is some Elon Musk shit right here." And she takes my order. Right there!!! I'm like, "The hard part's over now!"
I get on my phone because I wanted to know when Arcade Fire started. A buddy of mine and me got in a fight over it the other day. I don't know why we didn't google it right then and there instead of getting in an all out Irish bar fight, but anyway, I wanted to see that I was right. And yeah, I was. I'm gonna remind him of that tomorrow at work, probably after narrowly averting Pamela for the three-hundredth time in a row.
After I discovered I was right and that bar fight should've never happened, I look up to see I'm holding up the whole line because the car in front of me is at the window. This shit is blowing my whole mind. How did this even happen? For a second I wondered if I was in some kind of time warp, if maybe this was a Back to the Future situation and I was messing up the space-time continuum.
I pulled up to the window now that the minivan in front of me burned off with their sandwiches and shakes, and this really nerdy but well mannered teenager opens the window to hand me my bag of food. I said, "thank you" because my mother may have been a drunk, but she taught me some god damn manners. And you'll never believe this, but listen to me when I tell you this kid goes, "my pleasure."
Damn it! It's over! I am literally never going to eat at another place again in my fucking life. I mean, what is your fucking business model, Mr. Chick? Because you fucking nailed it. You nailed the model, and more importantly, you got this drive-thru shit down to a god damn science. You get my vote, sir. You get my vote. Five thumbs all the way up. read more