I was going to write this whole review while holding down the ALT key, but I didn't want to seem like an AS. So I decided against it.
Sometimes Fox's reviews really BORE US
He'll recommend something, insist and EMPLORE US
We'll tell him it sucked, then he'll simply IGNORE US
Whenever we try a new place he's been there BEFORE US
But now we realize that Fox must ADORE US
As he writes flowery food reviews to LURE US
Because we tried the food & drinks at ATLAS HORAS
And it's so good that I think we need a CHORUS
Atlas Horas, Atlas Horas, the greatest Brazilian food in the land
Atlas Horas, Atlas Horas, until you try it, you'll never understand
Atlas Horas, Atlas Horas, drink Abacaxi while you eat an X-Tudo
Atlas Horas, Atlas Horas, I wonder if this song will be as good as Sussudio.
What to get: X-Tudo (brazilian burger w/ everything) and an Abaxaci Com Hortela drink
What else: I hate to say this is better than your fave Brazilian spot... but it's trudo.
Anything else: Tudo de mis Xs love the X-Tudo.
Also: The Caldo De Cana is awful. Stick to the one at Oasis of Boston. It's fresh squeezed sugar cane juice. Also their X-Banana is an X-Tudo with added banana. I doubt I'll like it but omg, if you're one of those Brooklyn types, you must order it, right?
I first found this restaurant using the ALTASvista search engine. I didn't drive here, nor did I taxi. Instead I rode in here on my HORAS. True story. Sort of.
Did you know that Ironbound in Newark, NJ is basically a mini Portugal-meets-Brazil? It really is, and you'll find some of the best Portuguese-speaking deliciousness here, and I'm not just talking about the girls and boys. Altas Horas is a 24 hours restaurant with some of the best Brazilian treats in the US. Only Oasis in Boston ranks higher on my mental list.
The X-Tudos here are taller than the Altas Mountains of North West Arfica. It's literally one of the biggest burgers you'll find anywhere, and it's under $10, and is exactly like some of the better ones you'll find in Brazil. It's served at a bunch of other places all over the oh-so-friendly Ironbound District of Newark (the friendly part was sarcastic), but Atlas probably has one of the best ones, although the rolls they are served on are occasionally, regrettably, stale. But certainly out of the half dozen I've had, it wins.
Even better than this crazy Brazilian burger is the Abacaxi Com Hortela drink. So delicious! It's basically blended up pineapple and mint. I'm in heaven. I could swim in this stuff. In fact I think I will. Let's fill the pool, people. Usually when a pool turns bright yellow it's a bad thing. But not anymore.
OK, still sometimes a bad thing. Like if it's the YMCA Pool. But anyway.
The other fruit drinks are great too, with a lot of tropical options. Prices aren't awful, especially considering some of the prices of other Brazilian sit down places nearby. And how good this stuff is. Lots of other options on the menu, and when you sit in, they sometimes bring you heated up Pao De Queijo, which are cheap, so order some anyway. Melty, delicious, Brazilian cheesy bread. Heaven.
The Pao (as I said) is good here, and they have Sumol cans, which are Portuguese and fantastic, especially the Orange one. Forget American Orange Soda. Try this and you'll never go back. Tastes of real oranges.
Service is phenomenal, which is unusual in these parts, because Ironbound has, on the whole, some of the most brisk and unfriendly service I've had anywhere. I think a couple of the boys here fancy me, and flirting with them while waiting for my food is always fun. I think it makes any female companion jealous because they're usually cute young Brazilian guys in ridiculously good shape.
Not everything I've had here has been good. Skip the Acai completely. You'll have to go to Boston for that. Also if you want custard tarts, then it's all about the bakeries nearby, especially at Teixeira Bakery. OMG such amazing custard tarts. I love tarts in general and usually there is custard involved when it's me and a tart.
So anyway.
Make sure you stop by Altas Horas, surely one of the best 24 hour restaurants you will ever find.
Now I have to press ALT-ctrl-delete and shut down my computer.
ALTernatively I could write another review...
Nah. I think that's enough for today... for this week... for this month... for this year!
(This Lifetime)
Oh and if you feel the need to go to church after this meal to worship the Lord for giving you such delicious food (Jesus Cristo!) then make sure you kneel at the ALTAS.
And by the way my pony had a sore throat earlier, but don't worry, he's just a little horas. read more