Living in the Ojai Valley, this is the closest option for a supermarket. I try to avoid it, but sometimes I find myself in this little slice of Hell, regretting my laziness at not driving an extra 15 minutes each way to go to a proper store.
What's wrong with this Vons? We'll start in the parking lot.
It's about a quarter of the size required, cramped, and if anyone owning one of those personal "too fat to walk" scooters is around, they can shut down parking operations completely as they meander through the rows, looking for their '86 Buick with the Sexy Grandma sticker on the back.
Let's go inside, shall we? In order to cram more inventory into the joint, the aisles aren't wide enough to accommodate two carts passing without bumping each other. Again, if anyone stops to sample the Salsbury steak on a toothpick, all movement within the store stops. The walls close in, and you're ready to swing on the next person that bumps into you or stops to look at every box of cereal. Just pick a goddamn cereal, we need to get out of here! Don't you feel the aisle constricting? WE'RE GOING TO DIE IN HERE! CAN'T BREATHE!
Time to check out.
Oh good, the bagger has special needs. I have a special need, too: TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE IMMEDIATELY! No time to chat, Corky, I gotta move. Don't stand in my way.
Nice! The checker has clearly lost patience and her marbles years ago. She shouts down the line of carts at her stand "all the other lanes are open!" Yes, and they're all crammed full of dead-eyed customers, just like this one. Lady, you chose to work here, I can't help that. Let's just try to get through this.
I'm prompted by the checkout payment device "would you like to make a donation to Easter Seals today?" Gave at the office, click "NO." Checker turns to me and asks "would you like to make a donation to Easter Seals today?" No, thanks. A moment goes by, items are scanned, and the checker looks up at me: "would you like to make a donation to Easter Seals today?"
NOOOOOOOOO!
"Well, that was a very long and loud NO" she says.
Pointing out that I'd been asked three times already did not endear me to this woman. The $40 cash back I requested was delivered in $5 bills after she discovered that her cash drawer didn't have any cash in it.
Snarky comments about the change, and I'm headed toward the door. Toward freedom and fresh air. Toward sanity and away from these cramped and unpleasant people.
But first, a middle aged woman who appears to be in a persistent vegetative state is wheeled in front of me on a roller gurney. Some maniac took this poor wretch on a shopping trip in the most ridiculously claustrophobic grocery store one can imagine. How is this a treat for anyone involved? Is it punishment for the whole Easter Seals thing?
Eventually, the automatic doors do open, and my wife and I emerge into the sunlight. Swearing again to never return. But we'll be back. And it'll all happen again.
Parking behind sexy grandma, walls closing in, Corky, mean checker, Terry Schiavo rolling around...
So what I'm saying is, I don't like this store. read more