How it took an American (sorry Oz, your secret is out) to write the first review of this place is…read morebeyond me. But like all national treasures, the Americans will at some point come & take all the credit & eventually find a way to make money off of it. Before that point comes... some men simply are born to be explorers... pioneers as it were! I am among that class of man, & now, with this yelp review, I present to the world my great adventure & a map (of sorts) to Beefy adventures all their own. Your welcome world. This is my gift to you.
It started unsuspectingly enough. I travel to a strange land to see the most beautiful woman I have ever known. She uses the "C word" frequently. it's perfect really. Anyways, we have been enjoying our version of the Sunshine Coast, our way. Numerous bottles, several movies, foul language, & dry humor. Then "it" happened; the "ROAD TRIP!". There was however a history lesson the preceded this. Little did I know, it would set the pace for the rest of this endeavor.
The Aboriginal's history. "How might this have anything to do with Beefy's?" you might ask. It has EVERYTHING to do with Beefy's is what I would tell you. Basically, the Australians treated them about as poorly as Americans treated the Native Americans (or if you want to get all "gluten free" on me - The Native Indigenous Americans Prior to The Arrival of Columbus"). In this mistreatment, a gift was born. The translation of the word "Gympie". It roughly translates to "Hell" in both USA & Aussie English (see, we aren't so different after all!).
Now, anyone familiar with Dante's "Interno" knows that there are 7 layers of hell (which are: Limbo, Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Wrath, Heresy, & Violence). Beefy's in Hell....Gympie.... takes that concept & totally spins it on it's head. Beefy's makes it more like "The 7 layers of HELL YEAH!". So I say thank you!
Here's how my 7 layers of hell yeah enveloped me, into a warm dish of goodness (I ordered beef....because I had to - they were out of what I wanted. Thankfully).
Limbo - We drove in what seemed like 10's of hundreds of seconds. It was quite literally the Purgatory that simply must happen before one deserves ANYTHING Beefy's. And then it happened, we saw not one, but TWO road signs that told of great adventures in delicious. Beefy's, Gympie. Need I say more?
Lust - I already told you I was with the most beautiful woman I have ever known. Of course I was having naughty thoughts. Duh.
Gluttony - On my venture into Purgatory, I had it in my mind that I MUST do the most Australian thing I can think of - It's clear, I order a meat pie! I know what you must all be thinking, "Surely he wanted to try to impersonate Paul Hogan while buying a boomerang". NAY good people! NAY! I am not about that (That's not a) knife....I mean life.
Greed - I got greedy when I got there. I wanted something that had a little more than beef. I was wrong & I am sorry. I approached the counter, & like any good American, I took off my cowboy hat, put both my paperback version & my digital backup copy of my bible in my pocket, cracked open a tasteless warm beer (XXXX is awful by the way), & greeted our gracious Beefy pie sales representative the only way I know how "YEEEE HAW...." I cried. And wow...the pressure was on now! I had to nail this order. For America. Long story short, after my blasphemy upon the name Beefy's (by not ordering beef) I knew I had to fix this. Not everyone gets TWO whole attempts at the Gympie Beefy's. But, the pioneer in me just knew. Get the original, go for traditional. On my second attempt, I nailed it! I ordered something they had in stock. Remarkable.
As the fellow patrons all erupted in cheers & hugs, with the occasional high five, I knew this was where I got to show that New York City wit & charm. I simply waited for the inevitable. The infamous question of the ages "Would you like any condiments with that?". Yeah.... I was actually asked that. It was an honor & a privilege to hear. Truly. I had to act quick. It was as if Jesus got off his T-Rex & sat down his M16, just to whisper in my ear the response that was necessary. "What do you recommend?" I asked, smiling. The Beef attendant gasped. She was lost for words. Nobody had EVER asked her this before. She knew the question existed, but never before had she been face to face with it. She took a step back to regain her composure & answered honestly. She had been training her whole career for this very moment, & it paid off. "Ummm, it's tomato sauce or BBQ". To an untrained eye, she might seem as if she were annoyed & confused, but to my trained eye, I have never seen such unbridled joy.
Wrath - I ate that pie with a wrath that only naturally occurring semi-hunger can produce.
Hersey - I am committing it now by telling my tale. The great meat pie shortage is no doubt inevitable due to this review.
Violence - I will die for this review I'm sure of it. But until then - 7 layers of HELL YEAH Beefy's!
