Fuck Nassy, fuck his waffles or whatever the fuck he sells here, and fuck whatever else I can say about this fuck.
I was at a thing in Jersey with some friends, and I realized that God's gift to dining, Waffle House™, could possibly extend to somewhere within driving distance. And it almost did, but nobody wanted to take an hour drive with me to Bethlehem, PA. So upon some further scouring on Google Maps, I find "Nassy's Waffle House." I didn't think it would be a Waffle House™, but it was worth looking. Sure enough, Google's listing had "wafflehouse.com" as the URL. To be safe, I thought I'd call.
[phone ringing]
Nassy or whoever: "Waffle House."
Me: "This might sound like a stupid question, but are you a Waffle House™ in the Waffle House™ chain?"
Fuckface: "Yes."
Me: "GREAT! Oh, are you open 24hrs?"
Fuckface: "No, we close at 1."
Me: "Oh..ok...see you in a bit."
And with that, we jumped in the car and embarked on the 35minute drive to Plainfield, NJ. What a flaming shithole Plainfield is, btw. Around 11pm, we finally arrive on the street, and while I'm looking for the familiar Waffle House™ beacon, I find cruel reality staring me in the face. "NASSY'S WAFFLE HOUSE" in a totally unfamiliar font. In comical slow-motion, my head pan's down from the sign to see a tiny, shitty, lunch-counter gyro restaurant. My vision does one of those dramatic slow-motion zoom-in things on all the details of how this is not in fact a GODDAMNED WAFFLE HOUSE. The pictures of gyros. The lack of tables. The total lack of patronage. And in my head, each time I zoomed in one one of these things, it was accompanied by that very grave noise that happens when that kinda scene happens in the movies. That very heavy weight of reality hitting down. "THUNK."
Despite all this, my friends are trying to remain optimistic. "Maybe it'll be really awesome anyway, and we'll have a story." "No", I say, "We can't fucking eat here." Ramze S. convinces us to go to Kennedy Fried Chicken next door, but first Gordon H. pops his head into Nassy's and yells "I thought you said you were a fucking Waffle House™!!". Personally, I think he let him off easy. So we walked to the K(ennedy)FC, where we found there was no seating in the dining room at this hour, and that's when I finally convinced the guys to go across the street to Red Tower #1.....(to be continued) read more