Warning: In this review, I whine about the difficulties of peeing in a cup. I normally write about yumlicious food or local beer, but today, I am about to spend 500 words about pee. So if you don't want to read another 495 words about pee, stop now.
I have a bad track record with drug screening places. The first time I had to get one done, I went early in the morning. What's the first thing you do when you get up in the morning? Use the bathroom. So, what's the one thing I couldn't muster up when I arrived at the office? Using the bathroom. What ensued was an awkward hour of me, and one other fella having performance issues, sitting across the lobby from one another, quietly getting up at intervals to refill our cups at the water cooler.
I was bound and determined not to have that happen this go-round! So I started dosing up on water before leaving the house. When I arrived at the office, just 15 minutes after their walk-in hours started, there were already 10 people waiting. I signed in on the clipboard and waited. And waited. And incessantly bounced my foot (because by now I was REALLY ready to go). There is no reading material (couldn't they invest in a magazine or two?), so I checked Instagram, Yelp, Facebook, Instagram again. And then my name was called.
It only took them 20 minutes to go through that many people. But here's where the fun starts... I went into a room, dropped my purse, was handed the cup, and given some quick instructions on how much to pee, and what not to do (wash my hands, or flush, or pee on the label on the cup). Since all the traditional cup-peeing rooms were full, I was asked to use the hallway bathroom. You get 3 minutes flat to do your business. Why didn't I wear a dress?! I'm struggling to pull my skinny jeans down to my ankles so that I can waddle into crouching straddle position over the toilet, and use all the physical and mental strength I possess (because at this point I have to pee like crazy) to release a steady drizzle that won't wet the label or my hands or fill the cup too high. In the midst of which, I hear from the woman standing right outside the door: 1 MINUTE. I seal the cup, finish going, pull my pants up. And she's announcing, TIME'S UP, YOU NEED TO COME OUT NOW. I hurriedly wipe the seat with tissue, toss it in the toilet, and.... flush. Oh NOOOOO. She took the cup, said they couldn't use it because of the flush fail. Told me to go into the lobby, drink no more than 6 cups of water, and let her know when I was ready to go again. The three-minute rule (to make the processing of walk-ins go quicker, sure), is stressful and not something I'd encountered before. Pee-shy folks, beware! And note that you :can: schedule an appointment online and avoid the wait; you could also more appropriately time your water intake.
So for the next 30 minutes, I repeatedly made the walk of shame to the water cooler to fill my plastic cup, swig it down, and wait for nature to call. The lady who worked with me earlier actually ended up being really nice about it when I told her "I'm ready to try again." They took me to a new room, with a toilet that has warning signs taped all over the flush handle, and I did the deed all over again. Only, this time, I got it right. If I ever have to do a stupid drug screen again, here's hoping the third time's a charm... read more