It all started this morning. I got up, 3:50am. What do I do? Denny's. Denny's, Denny's, Denny's. I pulled up, sun wouldn't open an eye for about 3 hours. I was ready for some good food.
I got inside, and I'm ushered to my seat next to the only other four guys in the restaurant, which appears to be the cast of "year one" starring jack black and Michael cera. I'm hoping, "atleast my waitress will be nice" but she turns out to be a real life shrek. She looks like shrek, talks like shrek, and I swore I saw those little shrek tube type ears coming off her head. She was a monster.
I ask for chocolate milk naturally, thinking that it would have free refills but she only tells me they don't after I've devoured it in three seconds.
Denny's, Denny's, Denny's, what else do you ask for at 4am besides 12 pieces of bacon and two sunny side up eggs?
I was thinking, this will be the most beautiful looking plate of bacon I've ever seen! When she brings over a plate of what looks like sand paper and human tendon. The bacon falls apart immediately, like a tree on minecraft. The sunny side up eggs are colder than my blood. I'm immediately terrified. What is this human flesh on my late I am eating? This has to stop at once!
I'm trying to think of the sins I'm committing while eating this sad excuse for bacon and eggs while I'm distracted by the freezing room so I order a hot chocolate as well. Not even stirred. I immediately choke on the chocolate powder and think these are my final moments on earth. What a shocking, depressing turn of events. I'm going to die here at Denny's. This is how it ends.
I'm sitting down, weeping at the thought that a pig was killed and cooked so poorly. As well as the thought that I'm probably going to suffer from heart failure and a brain tumor by the age of 25, When all the sudden a piece of paper is brought to me. The check. I look at the price on the paper...
20 dollars. This sorry excuse of a meal did NOT scream 20 Dollars to me. It maybe screamed 6 dollars at the most. I shed a few tears and considered dining and dashing.
What would be worse, living the life of a criminal? Or paying for this flesh of satan? I decided to have some dignity and pay for the "food" that was given to me. I walk up to the counter and the person ringing me up is no other than the ogre, my waitress.
Very tall, very round, this beast could kill a fellow with one hit. I couldn't leave now.
She rings me up for 20 dollars. I pay. She then asks me, do you want to tip?
How could I say no? This woman could kill me in a heartbeat and I had to hope to get out of there alive. I said sure... One dollar.
She looks at me as if I just submitted my kids to a concentration camp and then smiled and put on a KKK hood.
Dizzy, I walked back to my car, and wept for what seemed like an hour. I decided I couldn't go back in there ever again, but I NEEDED to get these demons out of me. I walked over to Wendy's next door and took a dump.
I've fought a lot of battles in my life and I will say as hard as that was to choke down that "food", the battle was much harder when it was coming out in the bathroom. I feel sorry for the Wendy's employee that has to clean that. The toilet did not look like a toilet after I was finished. It looked more like someone took a sledge hammer to an emperor penguin.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was my last day on earth.
Thank you Denny's, for ruining my life. Goodbye earth. This is how it ends. read more