I actually read the reviews about the Crystal Inn in Eatontown NJ on Yelp before booking and assumed all would be well. I have to suspect, now having stayed there, that all the positive reviews were either written by the hotel's owners or were paid for by them.
The two rooms we rented overpoweringly and relentlessly reeked from years of stale cigarette smoke (despite the prominently displayed "No Smoking signs"). I'm not a smoker, but cigarettes usually don't really bother me, however this was a hateful, aggressive stench. The threadbare curtains, which probably had remained hanging, uncleaned, since before the proverbial flood were held together one can only assume by years of exhaled tar and nicotine. The bathrooms had sloppy patch jobs covering various holes, chipped and cracked paint in both rooms lent a textural experience I had not anticipated and dots of rust lined almost all the fixtures in the bathrooms. Each room came with a refrigerator and a microwave- the fridge was broken in one room and the other hadn't been cleaned in ages, and both microwaves had CDC level science experiments growing in them. One room had a working phone and a working TV, the other did not. I can only be thankful I didn't bring a black light with me as I suspect the Jackson Pollackesque event we would have experienced might have haunted my nightmares for years. When we complained to the front desk we were dismissively told the hotel was fully booked and there was no place to move us. As it was the start of the summer, other nearby options had no available rooms, so we were stuck for the night.
We decided to make the best of things and ventured down to the pool.
The pool was clean, nicely appointed and well maintained. We were soon joined by a middle-aged couple. The man proceeded to shamelessly drop his shorts and plop gracelessly into the pool in his underwear. He was joined by his paramour and they obliviously proceeded to rut and grind like greasy feral pigs in the summer heat. If you've ever seen the pool scene in the movie Showgirls, this was kind of like that, except the participants exhibited even less charisma and sensuality than Nomi and Zack. We beat feet quickly, fled to our car and went out for the rest of the day.
Despite having aggressively sprayed both rooms and the curtains with a full can of odor neutralizing air freshener and having left the windows open before going out, the stale, chemical infused tobacco reek again punched us in the face as soon as we walked into our rooms. Resigned, we readied for slumber.
Normally, when staying in a hotel, I prepare for bed the same as I do at home. Undress, toss my clothes in the hamper, put on comfortable sleepwear, brush my teeth, kiss the kids goodnight and fall asleep to the hum some late-night TV or with a decent book, my wife of twenty years softly kicking me (she's got the jimmy legs) or stealing my covers. This night I slept (fitfully dozed, more like) fully clothed, seated in the room desk chair, turned to face the door. The grunts, groans and the occasional cry (whether it came from Man or beast I shall never know) which reverberated throughout the night set my nerves on edge. My wife in the adjoining room, spent the night in a similar fashion. Our children slept on top of their beds, also fully clothed.
The next morning my wife entered with a large green garbage bag. One after another, each kid was instructed to place their clothes in the garbage bag and shower. Knowing most reviewers will try and say at least one nice thing about what they are reviewing, here's my encomium- the Crystal Inn of Eatontown NJ has terrific water pressure. The hot water is simply crap, but the water pressure is fantastic!
Exhausted, but exhilarated to be departing, I carried the garbage bag of clothing down to my car. As I started to walk to the trunk with the bag, my wife simply sighed, shook her head and pointed towards the hotel dumpster.
I then followed her into the Crystal Inn front office where she proceeded to get as angry as I've ever seen her. When informed of our experience the previous evening the person who identified himself as the Manager simply shrugged his shoulders. "You spent the night" was all he was willing to say. There would be no refund, no discount, no apology, no promise even to address the issues we'd presented so that a future guest might have a better customer experience. Only a dismissive shrug which implied he'd heard the same complaint (or others just like it or some even more vile) a hundred times before and simply couldn't have cared less. Shame on the Management Team of the Crystal Inn in Eatontown NJ for the way they maintain this space.
Perhaps one day the Crystal Inn in Eatontown NJ will be bought by a decent chain like Hilton or Marriott, cleaned top to bottom, repaired properly and then will be fit to stay in. Maybe one day, but that day is not today. My advice and my opinion: stay away, stay far, far away! read more