Down a Chinatown lane, into a small food hall anchored by Tim Ho Wan (coming to Costa Mesa, California quicker than you can say Dumbbling), you will find the easy to miss entrance to China Red. The scent of the cooking will yank you out of The Jerky House next door like a fish on the line.
Ersatz black lacquer scroll work, red seat cushions, and wall paper from a Shanghai Home Depot sets the mood.
Upstairs, it's a tiny 17 seat tight room. Walk past a tiny full bar that's not so full and the window where a platoon of dumpling assemblers craft perfect Bao like robots on Speed and sit where the Host's finger is pointing.
There is a downstairs but no one comes back up once they descend. It may be a Chinese version of The Rapture.
The Bao (18 folds, a twist, then a top knot) come fast and faster as each little dough origami is created and passed to the Steamy Maiden who provides the heat to the point they will be dangerous to handle up to 10 minutes from the moment they land on your table.
Take a few minutes to create and adjust your own dipping sauce of Soy, Black Vinegar and Chili Oil, then chop stick a Bao into your concoction and eat it as soon as it won't send you to the Burn Unit.
This is not a place to wear your new silk shirt from DeClic. Best to wear your bathing costume or a HAZMAT suit.
The Staff: You will be primarily interacting with a computer screen. Scroll through the slightly greasy screen and stab a pinkie knuckle at a square of something offered twice and answer the questions. "Yes, I really do want that". "No, I don't want to change my mind". "No, this wasn't a mistake". "I am not a Bot".
It's like dining with Ex Machina but on the positive side there is no opportunity for making an error in translation. "Is the Shrimp Cantonese spicy?" "Shrimp Cantonese bellows the waiter like calling swine to the trough, "Two ordah".
"No, I didn't order it, I just asked if the Shrimp Cantonese was spicy?" "Okay, okay Shrimp Cantonese...three ordah" the tired waiter shouts back at you and notes in Mandarin as he shakes his head and wanders off.
The servers are post apocalyptic Zombies who deliver and pick up. That's it. No in depth conversations on Chinese politics will occur. Just a dumpling dump.
Here, dining is a video game. It turns signing up for Acid Reflux into the ultimate food adventure. Touch the screen, and hope the last user washed up after a visit to the LOO, sit back and wait until something delightful and as pictured and advertised arrives.
The Vibe: White collar, blue collar, all holler to be heard over the people hollering at the next table. Screamin' babies with one tooth, grandparents with one tooth between them. The Chinese Stock Market buying floor is quieter.
The Food: Pan Fried Pork and Celery Dumplings had a large pellet of Pork and Celery mash mashed into the dough, then pan fried, and served way hot and crisp on one side. Yummy Cha. Dipped into your custom sauce, you may be rated on the degree of chop stick handling difficulty and certainly on style points on your ability to get the dipped dumpling from the sauce to your face without leaving a trail of goo.
Spicy Wonton with Pork was a soft cashmere shawl of steamed dough draped over a Pork mince that was so good it made me wince since I never had anything quite like it. Sweet heat crawls down your throat as opposed to a blast of exquisite heat (read burning pain after the numbness dissipates). This dish should be required eating. It was wonderful. Truly.
The Fried Chicken with Chilis and Curry Leaves leaves you wishing you had ordered more dumplings instead. Sure, everything is here. Crispy Chicken (maybe at some time but not when it came roost at my table). The Chilis were barely baby formula hot. And so, I ate it mostly because I could reach it before returning to dumpling paradise with my next plate.
Shanghai Shao-Long Bao. Nip the knot with your front teeth carefully, savor the chew, let it cool slightly and insert the dumpling upside down onto your tongue, squash it, revel in the joy of the explosion of Pork Jus squirting all over and in you. You have ascended to Dumpling Nirvana. Bow down now...wow, was this good.
You'd best enjoy the dumplings here as you will be wearing some of the dumpling guts and smelling like the kitchen for a week.
Better China Red than dead. read more