So the impromptu trip to drive the kids to stay at my parents house tonight set the table for the grossest, funniest, and most awkward situation I have ever seen.
Being that I still haven't eaten dinner and it's 7:00pm I figured I would just stop by A&W to get a burger to eat at home.
I order the burger and begin waiting. Then...it happened...
The lady that was behind me in line had her 13-15 year old son with her and he says, "Hey mama, you have cheese on your butt." He didn't say it quietly by any means so the whole room of about 20 people (including myself) do their best to peak at what was going on.
Yep, she had cheese on her butt alright. Nacho Cheese. A whole god damn mess of it. Both cheeks, down the crack, and it wraps underneath to her nether region. I'd like to paint a little bit of a clearer picture by explaining that it wasn't smeared. This amount of cheese was REAL thick. Thick and dripping down onto the floor.
She responds, "Well, shit Andre, get some napkins and clean it up."
Andre grabs a handful of napkins like the good boy he is and calmly starts wiping and smearing, and wiping and smearing, and wiping and smearing the cheese off her butt...cheeks. All while she is deciding on ordering a hotdog or a hamburger. The whole crowd has different reactions on their faces. Some couldn't watch out of disgust, others just were astounded, and people like myself were doing everything they could not to bust out laughing.
Then the heat cranked up to 11. Andre started to realize that yes, he did clean up what he could on the cheeks, but her black sweatpants had soaked in a lot of it and he was done with that portion of his mother, so....
Andre went to work on her crack, wiping her butt crack much like you would clean a baby's bottom. The crowd was in suspense, no way he would take this a step further...right?
Yup. He sure did.
Andre is now wiping DEEP in between his Mom's legs, all while she is about to pay for their food. I'm literally dying, thinking I'm going to blow up with laughter. Some people had left, but not me, I'm no quitter.
Andre was not the only child. Daughter shows up and she's hungry too. She also can't decide between a hot dog or hamburger. Mom turns around to Andre and says to go get something from the car. Once again, Andre is a good boy and obliges. Mom begins to furiously wipe her own ass and crotch while she waits for a decision from daughter. She decides. She pays. At the end of the ordeal, the relentless wiping on the insane amount of nacho cheese on this ladies black sweatpants created a stain. A stain that looked like this woman was severely ill.
My order was called. I ran the hell out of there.
My burger kinda sucked. read more