Walking into ikea is like a second chance of life, I get to play different roles out in my head as…read morei travel across different rooms but also travel across different worlds. One minute I'm an arguing husband complaining about dinner not being made in time, and yelling at the kids for not taking out the trash again. But then i close eyes, and I open them again. and in front is a beautiful inground pool and as i gracefully wash my plates taking in the soothing and comfortable life i've built myself. This is my i made it moment. I was sad that I had to leave this world behind as i continue to walk around the store. I followed the arrows and before me i was surrounded by random assortments of furniture types. A shelf full of wooden chairs, beds that make you question if you really do get good sleep at night, and built out bathrooms with a toilet sink and mirror (only the mirror works). It was so good it reminded me of when she used to stay over my place and leave behind kind messages through the fog of the mirror as she bids me farewell. After more than a decade of not seeing it, I couldn't believe the sight in front of me as the pile of colorful ballpit looked right back at me, waiting for my return. but the place was closed and i was really bummed out. I pass through the children's section filled with nostalgic toy trains and plushes, making me wonder when my time will arrive for me to parent one of my own. If only she came back. After the maze of life that i survived, i made it to the bottom of the store near checkout. Shit felt like a warehouse, kinda like how i used to work at amazon and wondered if this is all life had to offer. after being convinced to buy some loofahs, i sneak past checkout and craved urgently a nice cup of that nostalgic vanilla frozen yogurt i once enjoyed as a child. They were out of strawberry and basically everything but the vanilla frozen yogurt cup (yup they were out of cones too). After finally receiving it I was astounded by the insanely basic taste this was literally straight from burger king. Will I never have that same experience again? Will sysco follow me wherever I go?
Chipotle Chicken 5.9/10 - I was served my plates by a beautiful black woman, I wonder if she'd write messages on the mirror too. The chicken looked pretty decent at first glance, the texture? it was surprisingly tender, the chicken was shredded way easier than i expected, lowkey suspicious. The rice was bland, the beans were so basic no different than a can of them. and the plantains were good just not my thing personally. The sauce was heavy on spices, but the flavor of chicken itself wasn't all there, which made me wonder if it really is chicken. taste like chicken, looks like chicken, smells like chicken, but does sysco really sell chickens?
Pasta with marinara sauce 2.6/10 - A child could've made a better pasta with sauce than this. god damn I did not think sauce could be so much like straight water, and the pasta was like wet cardboard, no offense to the beautiful woman in the back i'm more than sure she didn't make this slop, her graceful hands would never come near such an abomination of life. If i left this outside for some animals to eat, the only thing gone would be the cardboard sheet holding it. This level of torture is beyond the morals of humanity, I can only imagine and fear the evil figure behind this weapon of mass destruction.
Swedish meatballs with mashed potatoes 6.4/10 - This ikea classic was a must grab for a taster of the finer things such as myself. They were aight, got the job done, once i felt full i had no desire to eat even as much as a crumb. the meatballs themselves kinda tasted like meat. could've fooled me, and the sauce on top gave it a starchy layer of moistness. the mash potatoes, straight from one of those packets, it was as soft as baby food, and i didn't know how to feel about that, it did leave a cozy feeling inside of me. The lingen berry sauce was a new one for me, it was your run of the mill sweet jam that brought an interesting twist to the meatballs. DO NOT mix this with the mash potatoes, i will not be making that mistake again. The veggies were weirdly memorable, like the ones you never ate from your school lunch (yes ALL of us)
Vanilla Frozen yogurt 6.1/10 - One thing I always loved about ikea was finally leaving and getting some ice cream, and eating it on the cone was really an experience everyone should get to have at least once in their life. That was before big brother sysco came to town and took one of the only things in this world that i loved, other than her... I can't do this right now sorry
Butter Cookie 4.9/10 - Salty. too salty.