I entered this restaurant a mere boy, upon leaving, I was a powerful, confident man. Going into this accursed Taco Bell was like walking into any other restaurant; it was 9:00 PM and I was hungry. Standing at the register I tapped my fingers on the greased up granite counter top waiting to be served, but alas, my wishes were not to be fulfilled so easily. 15 excruciating minutes passed as Katy Perry's "Die Young" played on a never ending loop until finally, somebody was at the register. They weren't there to serve me, but deflect the argument of a backwards cap wearing gentleman who had been waiting even longer than I had. After a five minute back and forth between the employee and the gentleman, with all my courage I turned to a person behind the counter:
"Can I order now," I said.
A look of shock crawled across his face as the gentleman fell silent. Without a second thought he fired up the rusty register and looked up at me.
"Yeah what do you want?"
I quickly told him my order, fearful of not getting another chance to say it. As I talked, the food the backwards cap wearing gentleman was so patiently waiting for was brought out in a hurry, satiating his hunger for the time being. Once my speaking had ceased, the click-clacking noise of the register permeated the restaurant as I was given my receipt as proof of the accursed purchase. As I sat down to wait for my food, I thought this epic battle of man versus god had ended. To my dismay, it had only just begun.
So I sat, staring into the abyss in front of me that was four packets of mild sauce that had been sprayed about my table by some previous Taco Bell loving miscreants. Seconds turned into minutes and minutes turned into hours as it seemed as if I would never get my food. As the darkness of Katy Perry's "Die Young" consumed my hollow shell of a body, I saw a beacon of hope! The backwards cap wearing gentleman had returned to the counter, this time with a friend.
"Hey, food was great, but I'm writin' a review about this when I get home," He said.
As he and his posse left, my beacon of hope had become another shadow looming over my husk of a body as I waited.
It had been over 40 minutes now, and upon seeing the mild sauce packet wink at me, I was beginning to question my sanity. A myriad of questions raced through my head. Were they poisoning my food? Did they all leave, and Howe Mandel was waiting off camera to tell me it was all just a prank? Did the gentleman ever get to write his review? I wasn't given a long time to think, as another man walked up to the register asking for a refund. They gave it to him of course, and he managed to escape with his sanity and no food. I was too much of a coward to do the same.
Ever heard of the Greek legend of Erysichthon? He was a man so rich and greedy that he decided to go against Demeter, god of the harvest, and chop down one of his sacred trees. The god was furious, and cursed Erysichthon with an endless hunger to symbolize his lust for wealth and power. His hunger was all-consuming, as he sold all of his possessions, houses and even his daughter to satisfy it. Eventually, he had nothing left to sell, with the only thing left to eat being himself. After his final meal, there was nothing left of Erysichthon, as he ate his entire body to finally satisfy his hunger.
I was starting to sympathize with Erysichthon. After 50 minutes, the sauce packets strewn about my table were becoming more and more tantalizing by the second. As I reached for one, my all consuming hunger becoming too much to bear-
"215"
I looked down at the printed receipt I had received so long ago, only to see a faded 215 at the top. My number had been called. There were many things I wasn't proud of that day. Almost eating a sauce packet, waiting an hour to get the Chalupa Cravings box, drinking four cans of soda. In that moment, none of that mattered, as I took the triumphant march up to the counter to claim my reward. Leaving the restaurant gave me a second wind with the strength of a hurricane, driving home in a euphoric state unrivaled by any other event in my life up until this point. The chalupa was as hard as a rock, the taco had absorbed all of its beef juices and the beefy five layer burrito was missing multiple layers. I didn't care, just as long as I would never have to step foot in that hellhole ever again.
I had beaten Taco Bell and lived to tell about it. read more