I did the thing. I plumbed the depths of acceptability and tried the Taco Bell chicken nuggets. I decided to write my review in the only acceptable fashion. I humbly submit it below:
An empty chair at the boardroom table sat motionless at Cock-a-doodle-Dinner's headquarters. The usual suspects gathered round to hear the latest chicken offerings and reviews from the CEO. The redhead, the ginger clown, even the old veteran with his western string tie headline the gathering of fast food establishment reps. That empty chair remained dormant long since the memory of its former inhabitant had faded. Their slow bored nodding was soon interrupted by a rapturous tone.
"Was that a gong?!?!" Cried Wendy
From the corner of the room a low grumble accompanied a statement, "Nay, 'twas a bell". Smoke billowed as the man formerly known as the "Big Boy" stepped out of the shadows, a thick cigar protruding from a bearded scowl.
"But I haven't heard those footsteps in decades"
Indeed, someone was approaching. But not the rhythmic businesslike steps is a professional, or even the clattering of hooves from the religious affiliated chicken conglomerate. These were the quick, steady, tip taps of a creature short in statue, but shorter in temper.
The pup kicked in the door with ferocity to match a much mightier maligned canine. "Hola, me amigos".
"Gidget!" Confused shrieks and moans filled the air. The tension thick enough to cut with a spork, Gidget approached his dusty chair. Removing his sombrero he leapt atop the table, pacing, occasionally growling.
"I've waited since '99 to be invited to the chicken game, senõr. Don't tell me it's not a game either, Pedro. The ginger clown is still mashing bird remnants into bell and boot shapes, the redhead girl is hiding her awful flavor behind sauces, and you don't even invite the King to these meetings anymore since he started turning your products into Lincoln Logs. It's pitiful."
He glared at their stunned silence. Knowing he had them by the cojones, he continued.
"I'll make me own nuggets then. Give them a thick, seasoned breading that's black pepper forward but not overwhelming. Real chicken meat right off the breast. They'll be served hot enough to scald a man's innards, not one degree cooler. And to HELL with your sauces, STRAIGHT TO HELL I SAY! You'll get 3 sauce options and when you order one, we won't give it to you. With flavor like ours, sauce will be a forgotten relic."
Jumping down from the table he tippy tapped toward the door, crowned once more by his sombrero. Knowing he left them in stunned silence he cocked his head. "Introducing Taco Bell's new chicken nuggets. Adios, mother cluckers."
And with the ding of a bell, and swish of his tail, he was gone. The chicken game will never be the same. read more
