Firstly, this review is for both Jen in California and Jessica Zee. Boom. #homage
Secondly, this review is for a Taco Bell.
Thirdly (and here's where it gets messy, so I must make specific note of this): While I don't often eat fast food, Taco Bell is, without a singular doubt, my personal version of kryptonite. It is my awful, shameful secret. It is my dirty mistress; I love and abhorre in unison, and all the feelings are so complicated. My relationship with Taco Bell is certainly a complex one, but I just can't end it. It's a vortex of codependence.
SO then. That's out there. I really like Taco Bell. I said it. I said it out loud, on the internet, for all of y'all Yelpers to hear and read and take in. Yes, there are worse things. There are more shameful things. This is a real step for me, however.
It doesn't mean I go a lot... it only means I go sometimes. Maybe, say, once/twice a month max. Still... it's enough. It's enough. This is how it works: I go to Bayshore to buy a thing or get my eyebrows threaded or whatever. And maybe I went to the gym earlier that day. And I'm feeling good. And I'm all "Hey these pants fit pretty well!" So I'm trying to stand strong, you know? And I'm driving home, and I'm going the opposite direction on Port Washington and you can't even just turn left into the TB driveway... so it's almost like the universe is telling me not to go. Then, audibly, in my vehicle, by myself, it starts.
"Don't go. It's just going to make you feel like shit. Don't do it, Rachel."
BRAIN HEART GUT RESPONSE: but... taccooooooosss... neeeed
"It's gross. You know that isn't real food."
GUT RESPONDS: beeeannnn burrito with baja sauce (which, if you're unfamiliar, is essentially a spicy aioli of sorts)
"Indigestion. Weird preservatives. Grade D meat."
GUT WINS: HOT SAUCE AND TACO BELL I NEED IT NOOOWWWW GOING THEN
Then what happens is this:
1. I make a left-hand turn by the Walgreens.
2. I sneak through the Walgreens parking lot.
3. I head back in the direction I came on Port Washington.
4. I turn right into the Taco Bell parking lot. My brain is sad, but my heart is so so happy.
To the review, then!
Four stars because the person at the drive-thru ASKS YOU HOW YOU ARE DOING. That is Taco Bell class, folks. For real. And I always am happy, even though I know it's coming. So then I say, "I'm well, and you?" And sometimes they tell me how they are, and sometimes they just wait to take my order, but still. It's really nice. And my order's usually right on. SPOT on. And it never takes that long, because it's fast-effing-food.
Loss of a singular star for two reasons:
1. One time I asked for my requisite "crapton of hot sauces" and I did not receive them. My bad for not checking, though.
2. They didn't even cut Jessica's Mexican pizza last night. But really, that's her review to write.
I'm actually quite glad this Taco Bell is not nearer to me. It would be problematic. Things would get dicey, and fast. For now, our perfectly dysfunctional relationship seems to be working out just fine. And I'm fine with that. read more