If it were owned by Ducks and Geese, it'd be Swansons. If it were owned by hopeless romantics, it'd be Swoonsons. And if it were owned by people who cuss a lot, it'd be Swornsons. But it's not, so let's get on with the review.
What to get: A Galley Boy!
What not to get: Infections or rashes from an Alley Boy.
Are you saying you've gotten those: No comment.
If it were owned by pigs, it'd be Swinesons.
This Swenson's location is in Stow, and it's the kind of burger you'd Stow away on a vessel for, for months at a time. I'm not the world's biggest fan of fast food-type burgers unless they're made to perfection. Very few are - and Swenson's Galley Boy absolutely is. It may well be the best fast food burger in the world... and many of those who have tried it will agree with me.
If it were owned by Michael Phelps, it'd be Swimsons.
There are many locations throughout NE Ohio, and I've tried most of them. The service at this location isn't always great, but I come for the food. The burgers here are otherworldly. Make sure you get the Galley Boy, and make sure you eat it while it's piping hot. These things are always served up piping hot, burn-your-mouth-hot, so make sure you take advantage of that the way that one ex took advantage of you two summers ago.
If it were in a medical testing facility, it'd be Swabsons.
It's basically a melty gooey cheesy saucy burger on what seems to be brioche, with tasty thin-patty meat (double), and something that is sort of like McDonald's Big Mac sauce but much better on it. It comes wrapped in foil with an olive on a toothpick stuck in the top. A delicious green olive, no less. These things are dirt cheap (like, under $3) and hearty. Two of them will fill you up, one is perfect for a snack.
If it were owned by muscle dudes and muscle girls, it'd be Swolesons. Or maybe Sweatsons.
Drinks are interesting, but hypersweet. Their chocolate shakes are not bad at all. Their "Florida" and "California" drinks are mixtures of all your fave sodas. The Florida is actually pretty good although it gives me a headache from too much HFCS (High Fructose Corn Syrup). They're worth a try, but don't make a habit of it. I like that they are innovative though. Top marks for that.
If it were a mouthwash manufacturer, it'd be Swillsons.
It's a drive-in. Turn your lights on for service. Turn them off when you don't need service. The service at Swenson's is 50's style, with young adults and tweens running from car to car to take and deliver orders, and yelling out what the orders are as per company policy. Tip them - it can't be easy to run around and yell the way they have to. I'm sure it's a confidence-builder though.
If it were a high school where people's heads got stuck in toilet bowls, it'd be Swirliesons.
One thing that Swenson's doesn't do well is getting your food out quickly. Sometimes it's speedy as a Gonzalez, but at other times it might be 15 mins for a burger. So be prepared for that, and know that it will be worth the wait.
And if it were a place where you go with your significant other to partner swap and watch freaky people getting it on, it'd be Swingersons. It wouldn't make you nervous, if anything you'd be restless, because you've been around and you've seen it all. Then at home you'd get the munchies, but not for twinkies. Instead, you'd want a Galley Boy. And I don't mean an actual boy. Though if you're anything like me, you want that too. Which is yet another thing common you and I both have in common with Tove Lo. read more