5 stars on yelp are defined as "Woohoo! As good as it gets!" The bar for subway is so low, anything north of them feeding me my own children is technically positive.
It is difficult to quantify the nutritional value you can expect here due to its dependence on the consumer. And lets be real for a moment, choosing this establishment is a thinly veiled excuse to project health conscious behavior and not be guilted into managing your colesterol by your significant other. You're going to get the meatball sub, then you're going to ask for extra steak and when they say " are you sure?" your fierce glare provokes immediate action in your now subordinate fast food employee. As their actions begin to speak for your will, they begin to "ranch it up", extruding coarse layers of dilled mayonnaise onto your sandwich. Researchers have speculated that this is the point where a mass of processed food becomes sentient, capable of thought and complex motor function. It declares its autonomy and leaves the store, it may look young but again, academics have prevailed and pinned down a neonatal sandwiches life being the equivalent of roughly 36 human years. There is no legislation for how or how not a sandwich may behave, only the variations of its structural anatomy have been accepted and it is best confronted with the assumption to cause bodily and psychological harm.
Your newborn meatball looks at your car, your wife is sitting in the passengers seat, absorbed in the opportunity to not hear you discuss politics and enjoy silence. Her attention is redirected, however, to the floating itallian sub now in the divers seat. In desperation she cries, "Get out of my car!" To which the sandwich replies, "Property is theft." One of its meatballs rolls toward her thigh, warmly resting on its inner aspect. She begins to look as if she were choking, eyes narrowed, provoked by a slow deep inhale which draws her deep into the passenger seat. Her lust at this moment is palpable and you predict the shame of removing her marinara stained blouse in the evening.
So yeah, this restaurant meets my very high and incredibly refined standards for food-as-punishment, primarily due to the fact that it has no drive thru. It demands you to show intent toward your actions. Then it humiliates you by requesting 12 dollars for the privilege of eating gas station quality food. It provides mysticism in a world which we may feel lacks it. There is power in its creation of faith within the consumer. There must be an equal but opposite force in the universe keeping our planar existences from folding inward and collapsing.
Subway, eat fresh, or don't, whatever. read more
