Stop!
Put down the…read morelatte, text your catty, break-up prone friend later -- she'll still be at the salon getting her overprocessed hair did anyway...
Press rewind for a moment on the DVD that is your life.
Stop at age six.
Mom is telling you to eat your Flintstone's chewable vitamins, so that someday you'll be big and strong like Popeye, or... I dunno...
Fred Flintstone?
Now press play, and watch the video from age six until now.
Oh, honey... That's a LOT of coffee, candy, and sleeping well past midnight, isn't it...
And you're NOT Popeye yet, are you ("thank goodness," said my normal chin and forearms).
Don't blame mum -- she was only trying to help. And don't blame the chewable vitamins -- you're the one who doesn't eat one every day, right?
And you're also the one who has the live fast, die young mentality, aren't you, Mister or Miss "I never met licorice, liquor, or lips I didn't like..."
Okay, maybe it's really just me, trying ever so hard to make it look like I'm not alone in growing up to become a scrawny, 105 lb twig.
It's not too late, whether your twenty two or a hundred and fifty two!
Come to Total Nutrition!
Leroy Colbert, the owner and former professional bodybuilder, is the COOLEST man on the planet (take THAT, Fonzie).
His entire shop is plastered with autographed photos of the various body builders and celebrities he's met throughout his life, including Arnold "Let's Castrate California" Schwarzenegger and Mike "Let Me Eat Your Children" Tyson.
Mr. Colbert's knowledge of nutrition is immense, and he's incredibly discreet and non-critical when offering you advice on what kinds of powders, vitamins, or shakes you should drink, either to gain or lose weight -- or turn yourself into a surefire winner at Muscle Beach.
"Stop running so much, and pick up a dumbbell, dumbbell..."
He has bar stools set up at his sales counter for whenever you want to shoot the breeze or talk smack about GNC and the Vitamin Shoppe.
If you've got time on your hands in your busy day or are chronically unemployed, Mr. Colbert can entertain you all day long with fascinating stories about the community, sports, or how our country has lost its way (you young punk ;-P).
It's like being in a hardware store talking to the man behind the counter while your dad shops for drills.
Except instead of drills, you're looking at pills and herbal diet teas and chalky candy bars that are supposed to turn you into He-Man or She-Ra.
Prices are reasonable, too -- much less than you'd pay for something less effective at a chain vitamin shop or a Rite Aid.
Plus Monsieur Colbert will threaten to kick your ass if you don't do what he says!
Best store, EVER.
Oh, if you ARE a hundred and fifty two, please make sure to visit the Guinness World Record people -- AFTER you come to Total Nutrition, of course.
I think my chest and arms are getting bigger already! Maybe? No?
Give me time, baby.
By the way, I think you accidentally pressed pause on your life-DVD.
You had the COOLEST mullet in high school.
Who are those losers you're with?
Do yourself a favor -- don't let them get any closer than Facebook range now, sweetie.
